November-The Bestest Month?

November 2010 should be an awesome month for me.
Two big reasons.
First, it’s NaNoWriMo. A chance as the winter darkens the nights to simply curl up in the warm and type.
Second, in two and a bit weeks my first full length play “Hayah” is being performed by the Second Years.
Yes, I realise that I have not blogged about this play.
Suffice to say, I am madly excited to see my work being performed as well as marvelling the speed and enthusiasm the cast have taken to the piece.
The play covers the Fall of Lucifer, the death of Judas all the way to a post-apocalyptic world where a man paints butterflies on the walls for future generations.
That and a puppet show during the interval.
There are no seats and the audiences sits on the set.
So if you’re free, 17th to 19th November at 7:30 in the John Millas Building of Solent University.

Okay, second point (that I said first...I AM ABOVE TIME! I AM THE TIME LORD VICTORIOUS!)
So of you might remember “The Fitcher Files”, the stories I wrote in 2008.
Well, I lost interest.
Now two years on, I’m going back and I’m doing it right.
I give you:



THE FITCHER KING
Samuel T. Fitcher is good with his life.
He has a small detective agency in a tiny English town.
He has a sectary who is half-Gorgon and must always wear sunglasses to avoid turning others to stone.
He even has a three headed Cerberus
puppy named Cliché.
Sure, he was thrown out of the Apotopaic Einheriar Clan (The unpronounceable name sums them up really) and shouldn’t be practicing magic but he’s happy.
Then, during a routine exorcism at a school prom, the demon decides to destroy the girl rather than surrender.
Suddenly he’s on the radar of everything mildly supernatural.
It’s a fight for his life and the life of those around him.
You know, normal weekday really.

(Picture Credit: 247 Deep Blue by dracorubio)
Who is he? Well, he’s not Sam. I think. I look forward to finding out quite how this mysterious hoodie wearer is!

So there.
Quick heads up.
Happy Anon?

How Midsomer Norton Apologized For Swearing OR Jancis Goes to Les Miserables

On QN, we always tell an intresting story to warm up. My stories have been things such as the time my kiss made a girl faint .
This is how I got an apology from a village.
So my mum, sister and I are heading to Bristol to see the touring ‘Les Miserables’ show. I’m in the back as my sister can supposedly navigate (She only screwed up like...four times. But we were going to eat her if we got stuck in the woods so it all works out). Anyway, we drive through the village of Midsomer Norton when I noticed a sign advertising the country music festival. But they were trying to be cool and...well they didn’t spell country like that.
And because I’m a big posh actor with plums in my mouth this popped into my head
So I tweet: Oh Christ, Midsomer Norton! I don't care if you're trying to be "street" for your music festival, NEVER try to spell country like that!

And as we pull into Bristol’s carpark when I receive a reply from a man in that village. (He must have alerts on his village...whoop?)
Oh dear... dare I ask how we spelling it? (Can't find anything on google)
Something not on Google?!
So I reply from the pub. (Best place to do such things).
Without the O. It reminds me of Hamlet and speaking of country matters while lying in laps.
And as I leave the theatre I get this:
Well, on behalf of all Midsomer Norton residents I apologise. Although it will look funnily rude on the posters....
Isn’t that something? I, Thomas Jancis, have been given an entire village's respect. Too bad so many people get killed there in such strange ways. Oh well, danger of the Midsomers I guess. It's why I never eat damson jam. Too many dead vicars.
And who knew it was funnily rude? That’s a term! "Look, your daughter isn't really a cumdumpster. I'm funnily rude!"
No complaint or offence taken. I shall take joy that the village offers it. Just hope you are not assaulted by spoilsports.
I need to apologise, because when it comes to spelling I get really annoyed by bad spelling :-)
Ah, it wasn’t the spelling that got me.
I was more worried about the people who will go expecting a whoreshow. I really do worry for them. I mean, I’m sure the show will be good times for all but sometimes you just want something else completely. Or maybe it will be a nice mixture of both. You get worked up by some real intense bluegrass and then Ping-Pong Patrice comes on.

Now onwards to some funnyish remarks on the reason for the trip.

1. Best Unintentionally Amusing Moment
   So Valjean is shunned by the public for his past. A kindly priest takes him in and gives him food and a place to sleep. Valjean pays him back by robbing him but is soon caught. How? He does this!
   Let me explain for those who might not have got that. Valjean is not narrating. He is screaming at the top of his voice as he runs down the street.
   Okay, that maybe a lie. But no other time does the character narrate like that. If they sing, they’re speaking. Or screaming. So he is just sprinting down the street going: I JUST ROBBED THE PRRRRRIEST!!!!!1!11! Thus I award Valjean the highly converted ‘Worst Thief Ever’ Award.
   Run up has to be this moment which is a perfect example of “I CAN SHOUT LOUDER THAN YOU! LA LA LA! I’M NOT LISTENING!” (There are many more amusing moments in this play. Please list them if you like.)
   
2. Best Extra Adlib

So Fantine is being called a whore (I’ve said whore a lot in this post, haven’t I?). The crowd clamours for him to be fired.
And over the hubbub, one very camp young man cried with utter repulsion ‘IT’S DISGUSTING!!!!’.
He is my new favourite extra.

3. Best Actor Adlib

So Marius wants Eponine to find out where Cosette lives.
She said she would and I think Gareth Gates was late on his cue because he kinda of squeaked ‘THANKS!’ and legged it!
A lovely example of 18th centaury KTHXBAI!!!
Marius. What a charmer!


4. Best Timing

Eponine. Dead. ‘A Little Fall of Rain’! As the theatre is quiet, all we can hear is the pouring of the rain that has only now hit the theatre. We were all looking around going ‘That’s really good timing.’
Except for the massive man who seemed to look for the strange sound for about eight minutes. This guy really didn’t want to be there and so wiggled and shuffled for most of the show. Blocked everyone's view and kept having to get out his drink. KEEP IT OUT IF YOU NEED IT SO MUCH!
You don’t have to be there you know?
If there is one thing more annoying than people who can’t respect the fact there are others around them it’s:

5. Worst Timing

As an actor I can safely say one thing. Switch. Your. Goddamn. Motherloving. Phone. OFF! I will hurt you. I will wait until you have a baby and I will take that baby and I will train it in evil then make it steal your kidneys. Don’t think I won’t. I wear goggles for fun!
I didn’t want to see Gareth Gates stumble just as he started ‘Empty Chairs at Empty Tables’. Well done kid, just blew that moment of tension.
Hope it was worth it. It’s not like you were told to switch it off!
At least it’s not just me who gets annoyed.


6. Other

• Eponine still has a bitching hat.
  
  I want it
• Poor ol' Enjolras fell into a wheelbarrow when he died. Which, hell he's still wrapped in the flag but he kinda of tosses his flag away, falls over and lands in a wheelbarrow. Made it easier to wheel him off!
  
  

So that's that. I have the love of a small village (No. Not just one man. The WHOLE place. I feel the love and will make them my followers).
Comments below.

IT'S ALIVE!!!

Jesus Christ but those robots REALLY never give up. Took me almost a year to make sure I could escape.
There was a hairy patch couple of months back but my daughter from the future managed to tackle them . Cheers HunBun, love you!
Hello blogasphere.
Ya miss me? I missed you.
Now, what shall we talk about?
Friday, I wrote in my journal for the first time since March. I wrote an entry tonight and then went ‘Didn’t I have a more open way of telling people about things?’
I did and so after almost a year fleeing for my life, I am back. Be honest. Some of you MUST have thought I was dead. No, still kicking!...Well, I was dead for a few weeks but they rebooted the timeline which was nice of them. Though supposedly I have a sister now?
So what has changed since last year?
• I’m 21 now. Legal to drink in various countries now. On my actual day? Went to the hospital to see my Grandfather who taken ill earlier that day. My party? A gay man touched my no-no place.
So THAT happened!
• My NaNo novel was ‘Yeddeoni’ the simple tale of a man who could see ghosts, his partner and the ghost who just wanted him to kill himself so she could have a friend. So my usual upbeat stuff. Maybe I’ll get it up one of these days.
o There was also a plotpoint about a man being wiped out of history by forces unknown. Yes, Moffat managed to steal my unpublished, very common idea. I will SUE!!!1
• I have a 2.1 for my second year which included me being naked on stage.
• I am currently writing a play for the Second Years at my Uni. It is called ‘Hayah’ and concerns angels and other winged beings. A little bit of Joan of Arc, some Judas and the fact there are no seats should add up to crazy times at Solent Uni!
• Recently I awoke to strangers in my home. ‘Don’t worry,’ says they ‘we have the keys from the landlord.’ Turns out they are hired to paint the outside of my house. They have kept waking me and just dumping stuff. At the time of writing, I have about two days left here. Can’t be over soon enough.
• I am going to the Fringe to perform street theatre as a butler. So do say if you’re around the last week of the Fringe so I may come and service you. (Hope that no one sniggered there. For shame, for shame).

I think that will do for now. I am REALLY going to try and keep this more up-to-date now.

A Holder Post

Okay.
I need to be quick.
First things first.
If you can hear this, you are the resistance bling blang save the world ee tee see ee tee see.
Anyways, a lot has happened over the last few months. Things that, when I get the net in my new places, I will blog.
So look forward to-
War of the Worlds
Butlering
Moving into the New Place
Performing at the Glade Festival.

So look forward to that.


OH GOD THEY'VE FOUND ME! I BETTER GO!

Belated 50

Well! Didn’t that take a blooming long time? And looking back over the year clearly I have had very little to say. Wow. Nearly a post a month. You can see the eloquence drip from my fingers.

Anyway.

Hey kiddywinks! Miss me? I missed you.

So the first year of Performance BA has ended. One year. Gone. Done. Kaput.
And in just under a week I will be twenty. Big Two-oh. Double Decade.



I’VE WASTED MY LIFE! I’M OLD! I MEAN, I KNOW MY HAIRS GOING WHITE BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE I’M WEIRD.

So what have I done with my few weeks off? Slept and read mostly. Like you do. Basically going through a relaxing quarantine slash hermitage slash detox fortnight. It’s a lovely way of living. Go to bed at five in the morning and get up at five in the afternoon. Do a little writing if I’m in the mood which I rarely am.
I guess it’s my body’s way of saying “Look, I got you through the year without a cold or flu. Hell, I didn’t even break down around the funeral. You fricking owe me so get some sleep and stop watching Youtube videos and West Wing DVDs.”

Speaking of, my sister says she feels incredibly educated about fictional politics.

HypotheticalMoment
Bex: NASA has been in a lot of trouble what with the whole “photoshopping of space”. It’s as embarrassing as when they lost Galileo 5.
Tej: West Wing.
Bex: President has MS?
Tej: West Wing.
Bex: Senior government official slept with Doctor Cuddy?
Tej: West Wing
Bex: Nuclear weapon went off in downtown LA and no one seemed to care?
Tej: 24

That was hypothetical. My sister is much smarter than that (and doesn't watch 24). She spent five minutes reading interesting articles from the New Scientist to me yesterday.
From what I remember there are tiny millipedes and a “camp looking” pink animal. (It’s early! All I remember is that there is a bright pink creature somewhere out there in the world and the NS called it camp).

It was funny when I went to her birthday do. All her friends were like “I see where she gets the sense of humour. It makes her cool. I bet you’re cool!” I have to admit I’m tepid. (and incredibly self-deprecating. Because that’s what you love in a blog. Pot-shots at the writer!)

Now what else should I talk about? What else COULD I talk about?
Oh goodness, this is hard. Really I am an awful blogger because I think “Oh. No one will be interested in what I have to say!” No Jancis. They never are. Yet you still keep talking away. (POTSHOTS!)

You know the Chichester thing I’m not allowed to talk about? Yeah. I did it again but have burnt more personal bridges for bigger acclaim. Which is what you’re supposed to do in this business. Who needs friends when you can show off?
But what would I be like in five years if I keep living that way?
Look, I’ll show you!
(for funsies, imagine Charlie Brooker reading this to you)

My name is Author and I am a self centred writer.
I have quite the crippling smoking habit/drinking habit/drug problem/lack of social skills.
I am content in my own little world.
Why look it is Little Mary Sunshine to bring me out of my self-inflicted solitude.
Leave me alone LMS! I want not for your bubbly smile and klepto ways.
No! I cannot take time out of my busy schedule to go on a roadtrip to save the penguins!
I am too busy being moody and masturbating.

What is this?
Can it be that I am falling in love with this strange creature so unlike me?
Am I smiling as we make faces at policemen and wear funny hats?
Is it that she is making me a better person by letting me access my inner innocence?
I feel that I confess my love to her?
Why was that a question?

Oh Little Mary Sunshine I have something I need to tell you.

Oh by all means, tell me what you need to tell me first.

You have cancer and have only a week to live?

WELL! *BLEEP* YOU FOR GETTING MY HOPES UP!
*BLEEP* YOU, YOU *BLEEP*ING MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL WITH YOUR STUPID HAIRCUT AND STUPID LOVE OF CRAPPY INDIE MUSIC THAT NO ONE GIVES A *BLEEP* ABOUT.
WHO THE *BLEEP* DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
*BLEEP*ING MAUDE FROM “HAROLD AND MAUDE”?
YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON?

WELL YOU CAN’T!
I AM A HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING AND I HOPE YOU DIE….I KNOW YOU HAVE *BLEEP*ING CANCER! DIE HARDER!

WHAT THE *BLEEP* AM I GOING TO DO WITH A *BLEEP*ING DIAMOND RING?
NO, I DON’T KNOW WHERE I GOT A RING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARCTIC!

STOPPING CRYING!
STOP IT!
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOUT AT YOU UNTIL YOU STOP CRYING!
GOD! YOU ARE SO BLOODY QUIRKLY ANNOYING!

Oh LMS, I didn’t mean it. Let us hold each other as the sun sets and the credits roll. We’re both going to die out here of the frozen tundra.





I bet you taste like chicken!


And now you know why I’ll never write a romantic comedy.

But at least I’m not that bad YET! Hurrah! The more people who know I am a horrible person the…better? No. No. AH!
The more people who know I am a horrible person the less people are going to invite me to their cheese and wine parties!
FOR I HATE WINE!!!1!

But really, it’s my sense of fairplay do that means I don’t write the scandalous stuff which then gives me posts like this behemoth of a monster as I have nothing else to write.

What else?!
I died (Note: The Pregnant Guys are the people I’m getting a house with in just over a month…interesting sentence).

The cool thing about living in the city now everyone is gone is I can get all the jobs that no one else is around for. I’m even in a street theatre piece so my star is on the rise.


You know what?
Screw it. It’s half two in the morning. I should get some sleep. I’m calling it quits. Done. Running gag.
I might write something with a plan or a reason. Maybe.

Not quite the big five-oh you might want. But tough!
I’m old now. Leave me alone.
Stupid kids.

Post 50

Coming soon

Jancis Deals With Grief in His Inevitable Style

So I’ve been trying to write something here. But the words aren’t coming.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired.
Maybe it’s because I have a lot of bottled up feelings.
Who knows?
So I’m not going to try and be smart or ordered. This is going to be a bit of a flowing post. Excuse the strange grammar and logical leaps.

Just get it onto virtual paper.

Suffice to say, one week ago I found out that my Grannie had died in her sleep. She was 83. My mother come to see her and found her in her bed.
The plan was from her to come see my halls on the Tuesday.

Now the weird thing is how “okay” I am. No. Not OKAY. That’s stupid. My Grandmother is gone.

But I know she wouldn’t want me to stop doing what I’m doing or to have a breakdown.

New Years 2000, she almost died of pneumonia. So I feel that I have had an extra nine years.
On Boxing Day I thought ‘We got through Christmas with all grandparents. Let’s see what the new year brings us.’
I talked to her a few weeks ago. She seemed fine. I got to say I loved her.
There was no way any of us could have ‘got there earlier’ or ‘saved her’.
She went to bed on Friday and didn’t get up in the morning. She died in her own home in her own bed. I feel that’s best.

I am not a huge fan of the clichéd emotions. Of course I’m hurting. I’ve lost the only person beside my mother to understand me during my dark hours. And I mean lost. I would love to think she’s watching over me. But I can’t.

Last year, I said goodbye to my mother. I said I didn’t know what would happen to me when I went to Uni. I could burn to death in a house fire, fall down some stairs, get mugged. And if a double decker bus crashes into us? You get the point. Anyway, I said ‘I will say goodbye and I love you now. Then you know we’re good. No ‘If only I had rung earlier’. Know I love you. And visa versa.’ So we’ve said our goodbyes. It’s wrong and macabre but I did it all the same.

I guess it’s the snap nature of it really. One day I have a Grannie. The next, not so much.
I haven’t had to go to the house or have to deal with the moving of papers or anything.
It’s surreal and slightly unconnected.

But everyone’s going ‘You okay?’ And I have to go ‘Yeah, weirdly. Live my life. Be glad she saw me start to do something I love. Be glad I had the extra time with her.’

What else can I say?
I am going to miss her and I’m glad I knew her.
Sorry this seems slightly weird. It’s just too big a thing to leave unblogged.