Avoiding Writing with Writing.

Okay guys. I’m hiding out of this blog to get away from the ‘work’.
See, my Body teacher (yes, I have a body teacher. Yes, I dance. Yes, I seem to go through it with a sardonic grin and the knowledge I’ll never be a dancer.) Anyway, she cancelled the lesson on Tuesday. So I go ‘Four day weekend? AWESOME! I’ll edit my book.’
*headbutts wall*
I knew it would be a long and boring process. But MAN!
I have to correct my spelling. And fix the plotholes. And make it make sense. And I need to get a form off the IRS if I use the publishing company that I’m only using because the NaNoWriMo people gave me a coupon code to get a free copy of the book. And. And. AND!
That said, I have a 'missing chapter' that I cut for being too silly.

So I’m hiding out of this blog. And listening to REM on YouTube for some bizarre reason (‘Nightswimming’ if you care.)

In less scary news Tess and I (You all remember Tess?) have created a series of videos called EPIC LISTS. Go watch what I do in my free time when not rewriting my classic!

I don’t mean to shock or amaze you but it snowed. That was exciting. I got into the paper. (Tess is the pink hated one and my friend Craig is the guy kneeling in front of the purple scarf.) I remember days of my youth going out to throw stones on the frozen lake in the grounds of the school. There I was thinking such things were long gone.
Tess, the Swiss Miss that she is, mocks our lack of preparation for the snow. I tried to say this was a fallacy. It’s like India mocking Holland for not being ready for flooding. You can’t apply the fact that the Swiss have a lot of snow and then say ‘they know how to deal with it. So should you!’ Whatever. I’m just glad my grandparents haven’t slipped over yet.

So that’s what’s happening with me.

A new blog (Because my ego was definitely not big enough).

As you see, there is a new blog up and once again it’s about me.
See, I feel that I want to expose my awesomeness to all and sundry so I came up with an idea.
All the stupid things I write get neatly popped up on the new blog wittily entitled Stories of Jancis.
A wonderful chance to show that all that time not dancing and drinking has not gone to waste.

But isn’t this incredibly masturbatory? Waving my believed talent in the face of those who have the misfortune to call me a friend?

Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Yes, yes it is.
Blasphemous Answer: Goddamn it is!
Old-Timer Answer: You bet your sweet bippy it is.

So that’s the plan.
One thing I intend to stick to is not to put up the ‘present’ stories unless asked to. Those are private things that I want people in the future to have the honour of owning for themselves.
And I sign the buggers. Maybe that will be worth something.
And if not, well then I hope that person, as they move halls or into a new part of their life, come across my story and smile on the nice times we had together.
Until I banged their sister.
And then wrote her a story about what I wanted to do to her while banging her.

But how many times will THAT happen?

A Year Of Jancis (2008)

So I don’t have anyway where to be this New Years Day what with everyone being scattered hither and generally thither. (and my general shrinking violetness)

So my year based on blog posts.

How I got off the Black List.
Wow. It feels just like yesterday I was making jokes about being blacklisted. Wow. I was so young back then. Back when I was worried about university places and the Fitcher Files. (I did say I'll finish Sam's story. New Year Resolution? Well, I HAVE said more writing. Oh what the hell. Sure. You heard it here, folks.)

Update with Guest Star Faith Lehane
Oh Faith. Sweet, sweet sweary Faith. Starting the trend of having random people live in my brain.
It was a lesson that making jokes will get American girls squat in your brain.
Anything?
I said "squat"!
Anything?
I miss her. Pam never talks to me.

I kept my promise. She was "the attractive dark haired girl with the leather jacket in the third case". Then I killed her. Sort of.

So I still awake in the night and think of that Chaos theory. Have I screwed myself with my choice? Will the Pope ever give me that knighthood?
Time shall tell.

Jancis becomes Lower Lower Lower Upper Middleclass
Stage '65 and Buffy Between the Lines. Two of the bigger things that happened to me. Yet I do not get the "booze and boobs" a star of my standing should. I played a pig AND a thug. Where's the love?

"not procrastinating. I also was fully dressed and had washed that morning. Yep. Clean me."
So glad things have changed in a year. (That's a lie. I do get dressed a lot more then I did on my Gap Year. I even wash EVEN I don't need it. Great guy.)

Mum tells me the house is falling down. Rocks everywhere.
That was the March storms knocking off roof tiles. Really not exciting as I made it out to be in ten words.


My lack of planning is, in itself, a plan. Just not a very good one.
"I took this year so I could write and I found out that the major problem is I have a very short att"
My Gap Year summed up in a single sen

"funnily enough have creatures to eat your kidneys”
I was joking. They ate liver and BBTL only have one demon. Her name was Kep and she was blue. (I didn't actually do anything. She was just visiting. We had scones. It was pleasant.)

"what with the sitting on the floor for hours on end as you have to hear “Food, Glorious Food” for the sixth time."
Really not a highlight (and the story I keep using when they ask 'Why you sing so bad?') Funnily enough that sitting and listening now means I'm doing "Reviewing the Situation" as my exam piece. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.

"Sand through my fingers. Sand through my fingers."
This has become my non-official moto over the year. I feel so old.

"my sister gave my the 24 hour flu which knocked me out on that day."
STILL pissed about that. Stupid sister.

WHY IS THIS NEWS!?
NO! REALLY! WHY WAS THIS NEWS?

"Why a fur seal would indulge in such extreme sexual behaviour is unclear"
Which I feel sums this up perfectly.
I'm imagining scientists in their labcoats stroking their chins and going "It shouldn't be doing that."

"penguins sometimes "prostitute" themselves to get stones for nest-building"
*looks at Sarah, eyebrow raised*

My Birthday
"I haven't had this yet. But when I do OH WHAT A POST THERE SHALL BE."
Okay. So I lied. There was no post.
What I remember my birthday was nice. I had a Doctor Who cake. My sister wore a blanket all day like a lost soul.
I took the picture Kiki did to rehearsal. Bemused reactions all round. But I liked them.
And I didn't die on my birthday so that's always a plus.

Consider Yourself a clichéd pun that I refuse to make.
So Oliver. That was something that happened last year. Sure was. Taught me stage combat and that there are worse things then losing a toenail to a dropped book. (Mostly crushed balls and cracked legs)

"maybe I’ll post pictures of the atrophying flesh that is my legs"
I made a gentleman's promise to the director never to show those photos. Suffice to say, not nice.

I Am Reviewing The play/the last year/the chance to make bad Oliver! puns.
I gave a photo of me in the play as a gift to my grandparents for Christmas. They think I look sweet. I'm not sweet! I'm...Oh who am I kidding?

"The sooner I do this, the sooner I can get around to killing you"
And so I went about killing my sexy headghost.

"PS. Girlfriend of the future: I love you. Please don’t get your head cut off."
The first of many notes to GOTF.

"Thomas is once again stealing plots from books to make his life more interesting. Points to anyone who can name the two books"
This still stands by the way. (If you get enough points, you get a toaster.)

In July, clearly nothing happened as there was no blog posts. Jancis is too lazy to cast his mind back that far. That is why his year is based on this blog.
Circular logic. Have to love it.

Half Hearted Post
So after the unexplained absence I got down to the important things.
1. The death and rebirth of Faith as an official part of my fictional world. This one is for you, you insane headghost. (Me? Unhinged? Noooooo.)
2. New laptop (writing this on it now)
3. Playing Command and Conquer (Oh Cameron. You had NO idea what you were saying, did you?)
4. Going to the workshop.
"Will it be worth it?"
Meh.

"Will I have to take my trousers off?"
Not really. (Not for the want of trying.)

The Slander Free Blog Post
Still remaining slander free. Had some good times. Learnt life lesson. All good.
Interesting thing here. SOMEONE GAVE ME HEADLICE!
Had to cut my hair after I got headlice from someone in the audience. Who I am not sure. But headlice I got!

Here I would call the "Gap Year" period ended. So now we enter the Solent Years.

The first Uni post
So this was me alone in halls.

"There is some….thing in the halls that’s playing music. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT!?"
Still don't know and it is best not to ask.

Me sitting up late looking at my laptop writing? Had to get used to that lovely feeling.


T' traditional “TLAP” Day blog post (run through a pirate translator because I be too lazy t' do it meself).
Again I lie and made up most of the translating as the official translator only changed little things like "you" to "ya". So in the end I probably did more work. Oh well.

"I intend to sit in the kitchen and glare at them"
They ignored me.

The "I have joined a cult" post. (Who had the bet for three weeks?)
"Ah yes, the joys of a reclusive non-drinking non-smoker"
It's still a case of no one ever tells me where the parties are. That said, have gone to a few nightclubs. (You know, I still haven't gone to Legends after all the hoo-ha about it at school. Clearly I miss out.)

"Friend: Oh that is so fucking interesting, you pussy"
That was Tess of "JanFan" fame. She keeps calling me a paedophile in front of people. Interesting girl. Swiss you know? Likes ketchup.

"I did stand over you with a butcher’s knife for four hours while you were crashed out on the couch."
"No. No. ____. It's a joke. Honey! It's a joke. I wrote something on my blog when I was nineteen. Sweetie. No. No don't phone the police! It was a joke!"

"I was told I needed to write “three pages” everyday"
That worked until November when I just gave up. I was busy enough already without pointless note taking.
It was mostly: “Sky dark. Am tired. Need to do more work.” Then waffle for a two and a half pages.

"Pallas Athena/Minerva"
People who don't read this blog never understand the joke. Honestly those who do read don't really. What's wrong with numerous imaginary muses? (Opposed to the many real muses who sadly always seem to be thirteen year old girls yearned after by French artists).

This is a test of the "Jancis = AWESOME!" alert,
Because you need an alarm to tell you the obvious.

Anyone notice it's cold?
I grew quite attached to that bench by the door. It got removed for some reason. Sad. I could watch the smokers stand in the non-smoking zone. FLAUNT THAT SIGN!

"So we have to do a performance based on us from year Dot to Twenty"
*gently bangs head against wall, while crying* Did you know actors could be difficult? That’s all I shall say.

"You do not want to see my shins"
Leg damage and headghosts seem to take up most of '08

New from Jancis' Insane Mind
I WILL write a more in-depth post on the blog when I finish the editing. Stupid work was getting in the way.
But from the unedited copy my Mum has this to say, "It needs work but there are some very good parts."
Thanks Mum.

Second firing of the "Jancis = AWESOME!" alert,
Oh spoilers for unaired episodes. How no one cares!

A big day for me.
True story.
Amazing what happens when you need to go piss.

What is my 20000th word?
Kind of went a bit insane and just threw in random people when I needed cannon fodder. But what's the fun of knowing an author if NOT to have things like that happen?
(Sarah. Mark. I might have to cut your chapter. Do you know the term Crack!fic? Well, I have penguin robbers. I will put up the chapter if I do drop it.)

Spring Awakening: The Tale of the Philosophising Teenage Rapist and His Suicidal Gay Friend
"I don’t even know everyone in my First Year group"
Still don't! (Stupid thin, dark haired girls and the similar bone structures!)

WEEEE WAAAAAA WEEEE WAAAAAA
People still seem amazed that I have done the podcast. And I smartly tell them "I did set off an alarm".

Just thought you'd like to know:
Probally the thing I am proudest of in 2008. I did in a month what I failed to do in over a year.
WEEEE WAAAAAA WEEEE WAAAAAA
Sing out "Jancis=Awesome" alarm. Sing out.

The December Ramble
My readers STILL haven't got back to me. HA! See them get a mention in the "Thanks" pages now!

"rewriting it over the holidays in between writing essays"
So young. So not understanding the drain that is an essay.

“please take me in a manly yet sensitive manner.”
And that’s how I met your mother"
And they say romance is dead.
(I am probably going to have a very boring marriage and have it ruined by all of you saying "He threatened to stand over you with a knife. Did you know that? Yes. Slap him harder!")

What is that strange whining noise?
Got to show off even more! Brilliant. I really did put a bag on my head. Method acting all the way!

For Mama Sal
Because I will go that extra mile for the JanFans.




A Year Of Jancis (2008)
Taste that Meta!
Christmas was quiet. Saw both sets of grandparents, which was nice. Got some books and DVDS to keep me going. (Also got "Professor Layton" so the DS is coming back to Soton)
Worked on essays and let my Mum and sister read my book. They liked it.
That said; do NOT say the albino has black hair. Even if you mistyped you will never hear the end of it.

Resolution? More writing. Get fitter. Normal boring stuff.

And that was my year.
So.
How was yours?

For Mama Sal

So it seems I made a promise that I failed to uphold.
It is my duty to avenge the wrong I have done.

This is for you, Pat.

Dr Jancis’ Guide to Not Licking Things: Volume 31: Cats

Before we start we must get a few things straight.
Life.
It’s bigger.
It’s bigger then you.
And you are not me.

That done, we can get onto the matters at hand.
The reasons one should not apply salivated linguas to felines.

When I used the example of this, I was using it as an example of self evident things. It is evident that the internet has little privacy and it is evident that licking cats is foolish.
Yet curious minds wish to know reasons for this.

We must note the existence of fleas. There is a reason that cats must continuously lick themselves. That is fleas. The cat needs to keep washing. If they don’t, the fleas were bury deep into their bodies. Bury deep into their soft supple flesh. Bury and wait. Just wait for its moment to burst forth from the skin. To burst forth and claim its next victim.

You itching?
You shouldn’t be.
I mean you didn’t put your mouth near that cat did you?
You were smart and listened to old Jancis didn’t you?
You didn’t put your mouth near that kitten?
Didn’t feel the slight twinge as a mite leapt from the creature’s back and landed on your tongue?
Didn’t feel it slowly travel down your gullet, throwing out its eggs as it fell?
Didn’t wait knowing that they await the time, slowly heated by your warm body?
Didn’t feed it Christmas dinner and mulled wine so it may grow big and strong?
Did you?

So you shouldn’t be itching.
Because you listened to me.
Didn’t you?


Okay, Pat. Hope that answered your question.
Come back next time for more fun Jancis fun!

What is that strange whining noise?

What is THIS? The alarm is making noise. Hold on. *Kick-kick-kickty*
Ah-HA!
A commentary for my episode!
What good fun!
Go NOW!
(15.45 on)

The December Ramble

So I have a week to sum up. Funarific.

In strange news, my friend Tess randomly said when we walking along a few days ago “People who like you are called JanFans. Where did that come from?” I blinked and talked about JanManFan all the while thinking “You read my blog?”
I wish people would tell me these things. It gets me all a fluster. What if I was saying what colour my underwear was? That’s information you could bring me down with. Ruin my chances of getting into politics.
Of course, that’s the risk of blogs. ANYONE can read them. Did you know that? Now you do.
Next blog I’ll tell you why you shouldn’t lick cats. Look forward to THAT!
Anyway, people are catching onto calling me Jancis. HURRAH! Although I have to say “Don’t try it. You can never say it.” One git a while back was like “Then I’ll call you Dave” I said “No. You really won’t” and glared. He was drunk as if that will make things better. (Still a tool though.)

In exciting news, I have finished my novel.
Yes, JanFans 57,140 words of…words. I have given it to three friends who are at the moment browsing it when they feel like. They say they enjoyed the first chapter then needed to stare at the wall. Freaking readers.
So that’s going to be fun. Rewriting it over the holidays in between writing essays.

That’s the awful thing. Now I’m done, I don’t have anything to keep me going. Used to be I could have a shite day but I say “I shall have to take my anger out on my characters.”
Because I don’t have a wife to beat.
(That speck? Oh that’s the line. Went over that five years ago and never looked back).
People have said, “Why don’t you just write another book?” I glare at them and point out that I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a month AND I’m breaking up for the holidays in a week. I have enough work as it is as the moment. And I’m not eating properly. And I have to get up in the morning. Why don’t THEY write a book? They will?…Can I read it when it’s done?

Anyway, it’s a great thing to drop in conversation.
“I have a four thousand word essay for a week!
“Hmm. Yeah. Ah. Did I mention I wrote a novel in a month?”
“No, you didn’t. But now I know, please take me in a manly yet sensitive manner.”
And that’s how I met your mother, son.

Did you know we have to write journals on our physical lessons then part of our mark is peer review based on what everyone else put? Did you know that? What about that? I’m just glad I haven’t made anyone cry yet. (Give me time. I am an arsehole.)

So today, I got to show my seminar that I worked on for so long on. Sadly, the computers hate us and it ended up with us having to show the videos and not the slides. Sad. My college and I started to sink into depression. Long talk about sucikness of world over Burger King. Got up the balls to ask scary, shaveheaded Northern Comedy teacher how we did. He looks at us and nods “Very good.” DAY MADE! Sun shining. Birds singing. Everyone in the room 1.6% sexier.

It’s all a case of staying upbeat I guess.

This is rambling I know.
But I’m tired.
So sue me.
Please don’t sue me. I have no money.
I have to write stories for Christmas presents. (To give, as gifts but wouldn’t that be a great system? “I want a Wii!” “Write me the tale of a young woman finding love in a strange location. You must include an Irish pirate and the phrase “popsqualouck.”)

So until next time JanFans!

Just thought you'd like to know:

And I'm not yet finished. Few more chapters and I'm done!
I GET TO SLEEP!

WEEEE WAAAAAA WEEEE WAAAAAA

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a test. Repeat this is not a test.
That noise you can hear is the firing of the "Jancis = AWESOME!" alert.
Leave what you are doing right this second and go over to THIS LINK to listen to me act in my first staring role on a podcast.
Do it.
DO IT NOW!

Spring Awakening: The Tale of the Philosophising Teenage Rapist and His Suicidal Gay Friend

So I’ve had a quick shower in my crappy shower cubicle, put on my PJs and am already for beddy-bies.
When all of a sudden I think “I should tell people what happened in my week!”
So wrapped in a dressing gown and wearing some nice slippers, I shall catch you up on my adventures.

For you JanFans (That is all your official names I have decided apart from Mark who is a JanManFan) who simply have come here to hear about my novel, I can tell you at 10:42 on the 22 November 2008 the word count stands at 37824 (76% done).
Twelve thousand words in eight days.
Can I do it?
I should bloody hope so.
I’ve been a real bastard for the last month. “Sorry I can’t come drinking. I have a book to write. Hmm? No, I don’t drink. Eh? No, I just like watching people being drunk. You see I am a really horrible guy who finds you being stupidly pissed funny. Then I like being able to remember it and flaunt it over you.”

Also I have started adding people into my book without getting permission. BECAUSE I CAN. Sarah and Mark have a completely pointless chapter about them but its quite bizarrely funny.
What do you mean you want a quote?
Oh for frell’s sake.
“She began to kick at the birds who were vainly trying to get to the bag by jumping and flapping. Their lack of flight was clearly hindering their mugging abilities.”
You happy now?
Bloody hell.

So that’s NaNoWriMo.
Now we move onto the play.

So a few weeks back my teacher for acting asked me if I had a job. When I said no, he said would I like to be in the second year play? So I said yes and I got to meet the Second Year for their performance of “Spring Awakening”.
I looked shifty as I stood in the Baptist Church hall and looked around at the Bright Young People. “Oh ho” thought I “I don’t even know everyone in my First Year group. How will I learn all your names?” (Psssst. I haven’t.)
I was cast as both a teacher and a priest. It was four lines and a long speech.
Sadly two of the lines were taken away when my teacher, playing the headmaster, cut it out so he didn’t have to learn more lines.

They needed someone else to fill an empty spot of one of the school boys.
In rehearsals, I got to play that role but I couldn’t be a boy AND a teacher.
Thus followed me going around my peers going “You want to be in a play? What do you mean you have too much do?” So we finally got someone on our third try, two weeks before we performed. (He did quite well, by the by).

We had to work the rehearsals around when the Second Years were free and so were we. We weren’t allowed to miss lectuares until this week.
But it was just a video THAT I AM GOING TO WATCH WHEN I GET HOME.
But it worked out in the end.

So we all tried to pull together the play and it kind of did.
Sure no one was really sure of his or her lines on the first night and we stopped a few times.
In the dress rehearsal, I forgot a line and asked for a prompt. She couldn’t find it so I actually said “Okay, I’m calling the funeral short” and gave my smug head bump.
Then that night, the bit of me that deals with creative musing (PAM for those of you following along at home) went “Nope, sorry. Wiped that bit out so you can remember the fact that you forgot your line.” So I skipped it. Then the guy who was next just went “Oh, he’s finished” and moved on.
But it taught us all a lesson and the next two lights went much better.

Funny story.
The stage doors at the back of the theatre have electric locks and when the main building locks so do those doors. Thus our main character was locked back stage on the first night.
It was extra funny because he had been late earlier finding a prop and walked in going “I have found my book. It was on the porch. Now what were we talking about?” “Ah yes” says the other actor “I believe I was saying something along the lines of-”
Hee-larious.
So tonight we had to prop the doors.
And all the doors in the place slam like no one’s business.
So we had to get dressed without talking.

But I really had fun with it and got to meet some cool people while helping them with their exam work.
Hopefully I have got myself onto the radar.
Bigger and better things!

And now I catch up on all the presentation work I put off so I could do the play.
I can do it.
I’m great at winging things…I think. I HOPE.
Anyway, I have a book to go write!

What is my 20000th word?

Want.

40% done.

Note: This appeared on my Facebook but I'll put it here.
Do you want to get a mention in the book?
Please tell me. You too can be a seller of wares or a deranged "superhero".
Do it...DO IT NOW!

A big day for me.

I was just stopping to check the clock when I found THAT. Talk about lucky!

Second firing of the "Jancis = AWESOME!" alert,

Wonder what your most bestest Jancis does when he's not writing or recording? Then peel your ears at this link from around 9:30 mins on.

Not long until the actual alarm is set off, Jan-fans!

New from Jancis' Insane Mind

Doctor Ethan Quayle is a great man. He is young, handsome and charismatic. Oh and he is also the evil scientist who blew up Pluto. (He didn’t mean to).
After surrendering to police, Ethan sits in his jail cell awaiting his trial. He remembers his life, from his birth in a church cloakroom to his rise to Public Enemy Number Two (after Captain David Thawe, the man who helped him become the villain he is today.)
He isn’t expecting understanding or agreement with his actions. He simply wants to tell his story.
Ladies and gents (and Igors) I gave you the tale of The Fall of Ethan Quayle (Evil Scientist)

Starting November 1st. Finishing December 1st. Jancis' National Novel Writing Month Novel. Buy Now.

Anyone notice it's cold?

What's up with that?

Anyway, we are entering the end of the third week of term. But we don't care about that do we?
No, Jancis
Too right we don't.
What we DO care about is the fact I've been here for a month. A whole month without wireless. (Until this moment when I'm sitting on a bench in one of the lecture buildings).
Everyone tell how me how amazing me I am for learning things.
You're amazing Jancis
Okay, I'm surely insane. And very egotistical. And handsome if I may say so.

So we have to do a performance based on us from year Dot to Twenty. So that means I've had a week of "I'm a baby. See how I do not know how to walk. Or talk. I am simply a big lump of lumpy meat."
You do not want to see my shins.
Really, if I have to be a tree then I'm...hiding in the cupboard until I don't have to be a tree anymore. (People gave me werid looks when I laughed at that last thought).

So term has began well. Of course everyone feels mistreated and unloved. But is that not part of becoming a grownup?

So with this quick blog, writing in four layers of clothes and sitting near an automatic door, I wish you a good day.

Good day.

This is a test of the "Jancis = AWESOME!" alert,

Repeat.
This is a test.


Not really.
Just a heads up to say that my Super episode of "Buffy Between the Lines" is two episodes away.

In the mean time, if you just happened to go to HERE and you happened to listen around the 29.58 mark maybe you'd hear something mildly awesome.

Not enough awesome to warrant the alert but still...

NOW I MUST GET SOME SLEEP FOR I HAVE PRESSUPS IN THE MORNING!

The "I have joined a cult" post. (Who had the bet for three weeks?)

So this is my “last two weeks” blog to ensure I do not fall on to the “LIST OF DOOOOOOM”.

What has happened to me in the last couple of weeks? I am in the process of starting my Uni life. Ah yes, the joys of a reclusive non-drinking non-smoker. I am truly living the highlife.
That said, I do enjoy going to bars and nightclubs and just watching people. At the Freshers ball I watched a man walk into a door and apologize very politely. The following is a dramatization of the moments as I and my friend leave the party (This is a girl who I just appeared next to at the Welcome BBQ. She seems to have soured on my craziness though as you will get from her reaction. Such is me.)
Me: I just saw a drunk guy apologize to a door.
Friend: Oh that is so fucking interesting, you pussy.
Me:….MY GIRLFRIEND WAS DECAPITED IN A CARCRASH!!!
Other Guy: Is that true?
Me:…YES!
OG: That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
My brain: Score!

A Note to Jancis' Future Girlfriend(s)
Hey there future honeybunny. Firstly, thanks for checking my blog to see what sort of guy I am. I can assure you that the whole Faith thing is way behind me. I don’t even return her calls. Second, you maybe worried that I spend a lot of time threatening to kill off previous paramours. I just want you to calm down. If I wanted you dead, I would have killed you while you were drunk after the party. You know which one. You wore the black thing. Funny story, I did stand over you with a butcher’s knife for four hours while you were crashed out on the couch. Bet you’re glad you didn’t wake up, eh?
Hugs and kisses
TJ

Lessons haven’t really started yet. I have been set work to write and learn a monologue. Yes, it’s full of my usual love of life and belief in mankind. Simply it is the monologue from a play I will never write. So expect a mention of it in some of my other work. I am nothing if not a plagiarist. (Note to journalists of the future looking for a quote to use for a story on me and using that quote: I stick my penis inside your wife AND your mother.)

So today I started my brand spanking new regime. With added spanking. You know when you get a hankering for a spankering you slams hand in drawer . Okay I’m back. So when we were given our reading list it had an entry for “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. After tricking me with not only having a book but a textbook I was told I needed to write “three pages” everyday. But three pages of what? Well, anything I liked but it needs to be free hand and as soon as I wake up. Supposedly it would inspire me to be a better artist. Though the examples they gave were lawyers remembering they love the dance and so become ballet dancers. Maybe doing this would insure I never fall off my chosen path. Thanks book. You’ve made me a better me!
That said it does say I have to basically thank God for my talent and make sure to pray.
Uh.
No.

Of course, the book says, it doesn’t HAVE to be God. No, just some overruling being that controls and moulds me into a better person.
With that in mind I am now a follower of Pallas Athena/Minerva. I call her Pam.
I’m now sad as I imagine a dusty goddess awaking in a cave somewhere in Greece thinking that she is once again loved and needed. Well come to me, oh Athena. I shall keep you with me. We can have a sitcom full of misunderstandings and you setting your owl upon noisy drinkers who wake you up. (Please post any ideas for a title or plotlines of my magnus.)

Speaking of my new patron here she is. The second part of the “Artist’s Way” was once a week I had to go on an “Artist’s Date”. The way she describes it is that my artist is like a moody lover so take her to an art museum or clothing shop. Then she will love you again and you can have a good week! (For more on treating your muse as a lover: see Simon & Garfunkel’s “Cecilia”. )
Anyway Pam and I went on a walk and decided to visit the Southampton Art Gallery. There they had a collection of Burne-Jones’ portraits of Perseus. So I spent some time remembering my love of the Greek myths and why I got involved in this stupid game of acting/writing anyway. (It’s for the money and the woman)
This was my favourite picture because it made me go “Hmm. Medusa. Oh yes. I have a short story collection I was supposed to finish.” In an ideal world, every story would have a picture that was a redoing of a famous piece. If only I had an artist as a friend. Oh Kieran why did you have to go so cold on me? What of our love? Our love for ART? (Seriously, call me. I miss you.) [Yes we are aware how gay it all seems. You don’t need to tell us. K THX BYE]
(PS. When seen on canvas, the picture doesn’t look as if someone has scribbled notes on it. The writing is less….extreme when five foot tall.)
Afterwards I had a rice lunch and looked in the local library then wandered the streets like the homeless man I will be in a few years. So basically it has been a nice day. One I will never have the like of again once they make us do things. Oh well.

I’m not sure if Mrs Cameron would be happy that I have taken her way of finding inner piece as an excuse to have yet another woman haunt my sleep. Because the best women are the ones who sit at the end of your bed and tell you you’re going to die cold and alone with 19 imaginary cats and drawers full of three pages of your pointless life.

(Oh lord. I know this is all going to come back to bite me if I ever have a drug problem “I’m not depressed!” “Well, your blog says you’re haunted by a Greek goddess.” “Who isn’t?”)

That’s the thing with the morning pages. It says to write whatever we feel or want to say, never mind how disjointed the thought. I’m like “Hellllo! Have you ever met me? I don’t do disjointed!”

Speaking of the Panama Cannel, they finally fixed the TV so I can watch Heroes. How sad it is to watch people getting excited over it and you know that people are hating it over the pond. That said, look out for the answer to whether dear ol’ Sylar is a zombie or not.
Oh Sylar. Large Eyebrow Crew, Rep-re-sent!
Of course channels 1-5 run 66, 68, 67, 69, 65. Stupid dyscalculiac television. Just joking. You mean I get to watch House when it comes back. For that I still like you. But only as a friend.

On that bizarre note I’m calling this a blog post.
You are a blog post.

Goodbye!

T' traditional “TLAP” Day blog post (run through a pirate translator because I be too lazy t' do it meself).

Oh for goodness sake. Why was I not informed today was “Talk Like A Pirate” Day. All that sittin' around havin' t' be told “Hey, counsellin'. It’s a good thin'” and I could have been threatenin' people with a cutlass. Got t' Councillor though. She was sayin' “Anythin' you say will be completely confident” so I said “What if I claimed t' be wanting to dance the hangman’s jig?” Why, then they can have me taken away in irons without me say so. Stupid lyin' councillors. They be triksy landlubbers.
Strangely enough t' two thin's they could report be “Doin' harm t' meself or others” and “Terrorism”. Who confesses t' terrorism t' t' University Councillor? They be not priests! She seemed so sad that I was sayin' “If I’m plannin' t' top meself, I’m not comin' t' you, you big old blabbermouth.”
That all said, once again I got free grub. Which is something. Really should have brought some vitals back for tonight. Have to avoid cooking food for as long as I can.

Tomorrow, people begin to move in. I intend to sit in the kitchen and glare at them. Also when they go for the fridge go “AH!” and then shake my head.
I have to make my own fun.

The first Uni post

So here I am. In halls. Writing at a table. I know, table eh. Pretty swish.

I don’t really have anything to say due to the fact that there only appears to be me and the staff in halls. Oh that’s not true. There is some….thing in the halls that’s playing music. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT!? (Answers that this may be another student shall be ignored.)

They haven’t set the televison signal up yet so I have a useless box. Not even working in the common room. I’m going to miss….well nothing’s on. And I don’t know if the halls get Sky. Oh well.

Other students move in on Saturday which means I have two full days of disability training to look forward to.

On Friday, Special Guest Speaker…THE LIBRARY LOANS SUPERVISOR! Whooooo!

As well as a fun talk on “Helping you to help yourself”.

Please say this experience is going to get fun at some point. No, really. I love not being able to use Skype and having to download podcast by hand. Yes literal hand. I have to go to the podcasters and say “Please might I have your podcasts?” And they say “You wantsz poddycasts”. So I run away crying like a girl.

True story!

So yeah. Nothing is happening.

Yeah.

So.

Good Lord I can’t stop.

Anyway, I shall write when something happens.

The Slander Free Blog Post

The week at Chichester went well and the performance was well received.

Okay, see you next time.

Half Hearted Post

Right! Lets make this bitch my bitch.

What’s happened over the last month?
I finished the Fitcher File and I stopped being haunted by Faith.

See. No snarky comments!
I’ll show you!

Tiny penis!

There you are! Nothing. Oh the quiet. I did promise not to kill her and I didn’t. Hell she’s a recurring character possibly maybe!
Okay she’s just there to racchet up the angst and be a deus ex machina later on. What do I mean by that. Let me explain it to you in a way you’d understand.
I know. Sam freed her from a bear trap then when he fights El Gigante she’ll leap on its back and distract the monster!
I know that was a joke. But I am SO going to write that! There you go! A sneak peak into a future file!
What did happen to the dog anyway? I hope it was alright.

Moving on I’m writing this on a brand new laptop. It’s big and new and powerful. When I asked the guy in the shop if I could play games he said “Oh no. You’ll need an add on and that will cost money.” Now I can walk back and say “See! See how Sawyer out of Lost tells me to destroy. And how Cameron out of House doesn’t seem to know what she’s saying!” Then I would nod my head and flounce off. In a totally manly macho way though!

Thanks to the new laptop we’ve finally sorted out wireless internet which allows me to proctrasnate anywhere in the house. Oh the freedom, the wireless freedom.
This has also allowed me to finally get my Wii online and show Germans how I can make Snake kick REALLLLY high. And then he goes WHHHOSH and flies and everything and AWESOME!
Just be glad they don’t do voice chat. I don’t want to call people fags. I really don’t!

While writing this the Opening Ceremony is playing. There sure is a lot of walking around with flags! (Jancis: Cutting edge commentary. Come back soon for “People run really fast and get given presents!”)

Anyway, next week I’m off to take part in a weeklong workshop in Chichester based on “Six Characters in Search of an Author”. Will it be worth it? Will I have to take my trousers off? I’ll have to find out!