Well, it’s that time of the year. The time to go on Amazon and order DVDs and books for other people. The time when people ask “If you don’t believe in Jesus, YOU DON’T GET THE HOLIDAY!”
As people might know, I’ve been banned from Christmas by my sister, who, a couple of years ago said “If you don’t let Christmas into your heart, you don’t get the holiday”. Me being me, Of course I took this a step further and told everyone that it meant I had to buy my presents just to feel included. I think Bobbi still believes me about that. I should call her and apologize for A LOT!
By the way, the murderer was Roland who was being paid to wean us out as demon fighters or something. I’m still amused by Roxanne apologizing to Charles for pushing of a balcony who had no idea what was happening.
Speaking of me being free and easy with the truth, there’s a guy I met in Chichester who I’m going to apologize to here.
Short blonde guy I met on the open day, I lied to you. I do not have toes missing, my eyes are not different colours, I am not an albino with dyed hair and contacts, I did not spend the night in a ditch neither did I spend it at my girlfriend, neither did I hide in the closet when the boyfriend came back, neither when she said “Oh Jesus” did I leap out the closet shouting “HERE I AM!” and finally I am not clinically insane and do NOT want to wear your skin. It was all greasy and as you know, it puts the lotion on the skin ‘else it gets the hose!
Point? *scans up quickly* Ah. The holidays. So today I received all the packages to give to mon famillie. And yes I have an advent calendar before you ask. It cost two pounds from Tesco. Remember when you got happy about 5p worth of chocolate back before you realised you could buy chocolate yourself. Or condoms.
Jesus, I’m really distracted today. I’ll knock it out quickly. Speaking of my masturbation habits NONOSTOPNO!
Quick before I start again. I wrote my holiday card. Remember those? The 100 word stories. Well there’s a new one. And this year I’m giving it to the relatives. And if it works out, I’ll have a PDF to email you all. Won’t that be super?
Okay. Holiday. Tick. Apologies. Tick. Talk of my penis. Yep.
AH. Now Sarah’s been saying “Jancis, why you know have photos on the Facebooks?” And I say “Sarah, you rube! Learn to speak good! You sound like a LOL cat and I don’t want anyone near my cheeseburgers! Also I am a mix of races*, all of which come from cold wet places. I think I’ve been outside six times this month. Basically a photo of me at the moment would scare people.” Then Sarah ate my cheeseburger.
Or something like that. Maybe I don’t have a camera? I’ve gone so far even I can’t tell what’s real or not.
So there you go. My November post!
Happy Mark? I’m up there with Sarah and…something to do with toast. I got lost when they used “monologue” in a post-break up post. IT’S A POST. OF COURSE IT’S MONO. IF IT WAS MORE YOU’D BE WRITING A PLAY.
Speaking of plays, where was the great BigSal movie I so gallantly recorded lines for? Hmm? Hmm? Do you want to go on MY wall of shame?
I thought not.
*Wales, England, Latvia. (It means I’m 2/3 good at singing and 3/3 bad at football. OH SNAP!…he said in text…I’m going to crawl into my cupboard now.)
5 years ago