A Holder Post

Okay.
I need to be quick.
First things first.
If you can hear this, you are the resistance bling blang save the world ee tee see ee tee see.
Anyways, a lot has happened over the last few months. Things that, when I get the net in my new places, I will blog.
So look forward to-
War of the Worlds
Butlering
Moving into the New Place
Performing at the Glade Festival.

So look forward to that.


OH GOD THEY'VE FOUND ME! I BETTER GO!

Belated 50

Well! Didn’t that take a blooming long time? And looking back over the year clearly I have had very little to say. Wow. Nearly a post a month. You can see the eloquence drip from my fingers.

Anyway.

Hey kiddywinks! Miss me? I missed you.

So the first year of Performance BA has ended. One year. Gone. Done. Kaput.
And in just under a week I will be twenty. Big Two-oh. Double Decade.



I’VE WASTED MY LIFE! I’M OLD! I MEAN, I KNOW MY HAIRS GOING WHITE BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE I’M WEIRD.

So what have I done with my few weeks off? Slept and read mostly. Like you do. Basically going through a relaxing quarantine slash hermitage slash detox fortnight. It’s a lovely way of living. Go to bed at five in the morning and get up at five in the afternoon. Do a little writing if I’m in the mood which I rarely am.
I guess it’s my body’s way of saying “Look, I got you through the year without a cold or flu. Hell, I didn’t even break down around the funeral. You fricking owe me so get some sleep and stop watching Youtube videos and West Wing DVDs.”

Speaking of, my sister says she feels incredibly educated about fictional politics.

HypotheticalMoment
Bex: NASA has been in a lot of trouble what with the whole “photoshopping of space”. It’s as embarrassing as when they lost Galileo 5.
Tej: West Wing.
Bex: President has MS?
Tej: West Wing.
Bex: Senior government official slept with Doctor Cuddy?
Tej: West Wing
Bex: Nuclear weapon went off in downtown LA and no one seemed to care?
Tej: 24

That was hypothetical. My sister is much smarter than that (and doesn't watch 24). She spent five minutes reading interesting articles from the New Scientist to me yesterday.
From what I remember there are tiny millipedes and a “camp looking” pink animal. (It’s early! All I remember is that there is a bright pink creature somewhere out there in the world and the NS called it camp).

It was funny when I went to her birthday do. All her friends were like “I see where she gets the sense of humour. It makes her cool. I bet you’re cool!” I have to admit I’m tepid. (and incredibly self-deprecating. Because that’s what you love in a blog. Pot-shots at the writer!)

Now what else should I talk about? What else COULD I talk about?
Oh goodness, this is hard. Really I am an awful blogger because I think “Oh. No one will be interested in what I have to say!” No Jancis. They never are. Yet you still keep talking away. (POTSHOTS!)

You know the Chichester thing I’m not allowed to talk about? Yeah. I did it again but have burnt more personal bridges for bigger acclaim. Which is what you’re supposed to do in this business. Who needs friends when you can show off?
But what would I be like in five years if I keep living that way?
Look, I’ll show you!
(for funsies, imagine Charlie Brooker reading this to you)

My name is Author and I am a self centred writer.
I have quite the crippling smoking habit/drinking habit/drug problem/lack of social skills.
I am content in my own little world.
Why look it is Little Mary Sunshine to bring me out of my self-inflicted solitude.
Leave me alone LMS! I want not for your bubbly smile and klepto ways.
No! I cannot take time out of my busy schedule to go on a roadtrip to save the penguins!
I am too busy being moody and masturbating.

What is this?
Can it be that I am falling in love with this strange creature so unlike me?
Am I smiling as we make faces at policemen and wear funny hats?
Is it that she is making me a better person by letting me access my inner innocence?
I feel that I confess my love to her?
Why was that a question?

Oh Little Mary Sunshine I have something I need to tell you.

Oh by all means, tell me what you need to tell me first.

You have cancer and have only a week to live?

WELL! *BLEEP* YOU FOR GETTING MY HOPES UP!
*BLEEP* YOU, YOU *BLEEP*ING MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL WITH YOUR STUPID HAIRCUT AND STUPID LOVE OF CRAPPY INDIE MUSIC THAT NO ONE GIVES A *BLEEP* ABOUT.
WHO THE *BLEEP* DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
*BLEEP*ING MAUDE FROM “HAROLD AND MAUDE”?
YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON?

WELL YOU CAN’T!
I AM A HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING AND I HOPE YOU DIE….I KNOW YOU HAVE *BLEEP*ING CANCER! DIE HARDER!

WHAT THE *BLEEP* AM I GOING TO DO WITH A *BLEEP*ING DIAMOND RING?
NO, I DON’T KNOW WHERE I GOT A RING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARCTIC!

STOPPING CRYING!
STOP IT!
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOUT AT YOU UNTIL YOU STOP CRYING!
GOD! YOU ARE SO BLOODY QUIRKLY ANNOYING!

Oh LMS, I didn’t mean it. Let us hold each other as the sun sets and the credits roll. We’re both going to die out here of the frozen tundra.





I bet you taste like chicken!


And now you know why I’ll never write a romantic comedy.

But at least I’m not that bad YET! Hurrah! The more people who know I am a horrible person the…better? No. No. AH!
The more people who know I am a horrible person the less people are going to invite me to their cheese and wine parties!
FOR I HATE WINE!!!1!

But really, it’s my sense of fairplay do that means I don’t write the scandalous stuff which then gives me posts like this behemoth of a monster as I have nothing else to write.

What else?!
I died (Note: The Pregnant Guys are the people I’m getting a house with in just over a month…interesting sentence).

The cool thing about living in the city now everyone is gone is I can get all the jobs that no one else is around for. I’m even in a street theatre piece so my star is on the rise.


You know what?
Screw it. It’s half two in the morning. I should get some sleep. I’m calling it quits. Done. Running gag.
I might write something with a plan or a reason. Maybe.

Not quite the big five-oh you might want. But tough!
I’m old now. Leave me alone.
Stupid kids.

Post 50

Coming soon

Jancis Deals With Grief in His Inevitable Style

So I’ve been trying to write something here. But the words aren’t coming.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired.
Maybe it’s because I have a lot of bottled up feelings.
Who knows?
So I’m not going to try and be smart or ordered. This is going to be a bit of a flowing post. Excuse the strange grammar and logical leaps.

Just get it onto virtual paper.

Suffice to say, one week ago I found out that my Grannie had died in her sleep. She was 83. My mother come to see her and found her in her bed.
The plan was from her to come see my halls on the Tuesday.

Now the weird thing is how “okay” I am. No. Not OKAY. That’s stupid. My Grandmother is gone.

But I know she wouldn’t want me to stop doing what I’m doing or to have a breakdown.

New Years 2000, she almost died of pneumonia. So I feel that I have had an extra nine years.
On Boxing Day I thought ‘We got through Christmas with all grandparents. Let’s see what the new year brings us.’
I talked to her a few weeks ago. She seemed fine. I got to say I loved her.
There was no way any of us could have ‘got there earlier’ or ‘saved her’.
She went to bed on Friday and didn’t get up in the morning. She died in her own home in her own bed. I feel that’s best.

I am not a huge fan of the clichéd emotions. Of course I’m hurting. I’ve lost the only person beside my mother to understand me during my dark hours. And I mean lost. I would love to think she’s watching over me. But I can’t.

Last year, I said goodbye to my mother. I said I didn’t know what would happen to me when I went to Uni. I could burn to death in a house fire, fall down some stairs, get mugged. And if a double decker bus crashes into us? You get the point. Anyway, I said ‘I will say goodbye and I love you now. Then you know we’re good. No ‘If only I had rung earlier’. Know I love you. And visa versa.’ So we’ve said our goodbyes. It’s wrong and macabre but I did it all the same.

I guess it’s the snap nature of it really. One day I have a Grannie. The next, not so much.
I haven’t had to go to the house or have to deal with the moving of papers or anything.
It’s surreal and slightly unconnected.

But everyone’s going ‘You okay?’ And I have to go ‘Yeah, weirdly. Live my life. Be glad she saw me start to do something I love. Be glad I had the extra time with her.’

What else can I say?
I am going to miss her and I’m glad I knew her.
Sorry this seems slightly weird. It’s just too big a thing to leave unblogged.

Avoiding Writing with Writing.

Okay guys. I’m hiding out of this blog to get away from the ‘work’.
See, my Body teacher (yes, I have a body teacher. Yes, I dance. Yes, I seem to go through it with a sardonic grin and the knowledge I’ll never be a dancer.) Anyway, she cancelled the lesson on Tuesday. So I go ‘Four day weekend? AWESOME! I’ll edit my book.’
*headbutts wall*
I knew it would be a long and boring process. But MAN!
I have to correct my spelling. And fix the plotholes. And make it make sense. And I need to get a form off the IRS if I use the publishing company that I’m only using because the NaNoWriMo people gave me a coupon code to get a free copy of the book. And. And. AND!
That said, I have a 'missing chapter' that I cut for being too silly.

So I’m hiding out of this blog. And listening to REM on YouTube for some bizarre reason (‘Nightswimming’ if you care.)

In less scary news Tess and I (You all remember Tess?) have created a series of videos called EPIC LISTS. Go watch what I do in my free time when not rewriting my classic!

I don’t mean to shock or amaze you but it snowed. That was exciting. I got into the paper. (Tess is the pink hated one and my friend Craig is the guy kneeling in front of the purple scarf.) I remember days of my youth going out to throw stones on the frozen lake in the grounds of the school. There I was thinking such things were long gone.
Tess, the Swiss Miss that she is, mocks our lack of preparation for the snow. I tried to say this was a fallacy. It’s like India mocking Holland for not being ready for flooding. You can’t apply the fact that the Swiss have a lot of snow and then say ‘they know how to deal with it. So should you!’ Whatever. I’m just glad my grandparents haven’t slipped over yet.

So that’s what’s happening with me.

A new blog (Because my ego was definitely not big enough).

As you see, there is a new blog up and once again it’s about me.
See, I feel that I want to expose my awesomeness to all and sundry so I came up with an idea.
All the stupid things I write get neatly popped up on the new blog wittily entitled Stories of Jancis.
A wonderful chance to show that all that time not dancing and drinking has not gone to waste.

But isn’t this incredibly masturbatory? Waving my believed talent in the face of those who have the misfortune to call me a friend?

Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Yes, yes it is.
Blasphemous Answer: Goddamn it is!
Old-Timer Answer: You bet your sweet bippy it is.

So that’s the plan.
One thing I intend to stick to is not to put up the ‘present’ stories unless asked to. Those are private things that I want people in the future to have the honour of owning for themselves.
And I sign the buggers. Maybe that will be worth something.
And if not, well then I hope that person, as they move halls or into a new part of their life, come across my story and smile on the nice times we had together.
Until I banged their sister.
And then wrote her a story about what I wanted to do to her while banging her.

But how many times will THAT happen?

A Year Of Jancis (2008)

So I don’t have anyway where to be this New Years Day what with everyone being scattered hither and generally thither. (and my general shrinking violetness)

So my year based on blog posts.

How I got off the Black List.
Wow. It feels just like yesterday I was making jokes about being blacklisted. Wow. I was so young back then. Back when I was worried about university places and the Fitcher Files. (I did say I'll finish Sam's story. New Year Resolution? Well, I HAVE said more writing. Oh what the hell. Sure. You heard it here, folks.)

Update with Guest Star Faith Lehane
Oh Faith. Sweet, sweet sweary Faith. Starting the trend of having random people live in my brain.
It was a lesson that making jokes will get American girls squat in your brain.
Anything?
I said "squat"!
Anything?
I miss her. Pam never talks to me.

I kept my promise. She was "the attractive dark haired girl with the leather jacket in the third case". Then I killed her. Sort of.

So I still awake in the night and think of that Chaos theory. Have I screwed myself with my choice? Will the Pope ever give me that knighthood?
Time shall tell.

Jancis becomes Lower Lower Lower Upper Middleclass
Stage '65 and Buffy Between the Lines. Two of the bigger things that happened to me. Yet I do not get the "booze and boobs" a star of my standing should. I played a pig AND a thug. Where's the love?

"not procrastinating. I also was fully dressed and had washed that morning. Yep. Clean me."
So glad things have changed in a year. (That's a lie. I do get dressed a lot more then I did on my Gap Year. I even wash EVEN I don't need it. Great guy.)

Mum tells me the house is falling down. Rocks everywhere.
That was the March storms knocking off roof tiles. Really not exciting as I made it out to be in ten words.


My lack of planning is, in itself, a plan. Just not a very good one.
"I took this year so I could write and I found out that the major problem is I have a very short att"
My Gap Year summed up in a single sen

"funnily enough have creatures to eat your kidneys”
I was joking. They ate liver and BBTL only have one demon. Her name was Kep and she was blue. (I didn't actually do anything. She was just visiting. We had scones. It was pleasant.)

"what with the sitting on the floor for hours on end as you have to hear “Food, Glorious Food” for the sixth time."
Really not a highlight (and the story I keep using when they ask 'Why you sing so bad?') Funnily enough that sitting and listening now means I'm doing "Reviewing the Situation" as my exam piece. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.

"Sand through my fingers. Sand through my fingers."
This has become my non-official moto over the year. I feel so old.

"my sister gave my the 24 hour flu which knocked me out on that day."
STILL pissed about that. Stupid sister.

WHY IS THIS NEWS!?
NO! REALLY! WHY WAS THIS NEWS?

"Why a fur seal would indulge in such extreme sexual behaviour is unclear"
Which I feel sums this up perfectly.
I'm imagining scientists in their labcoats stroking their chins and going "It shouldn't be doing that."

"penguins sometimes "prostitute" themselves to get stones for nest-building"
*looks at Sarah, eyebrow raised*

My Birthday
"I haven't had this yet. But when I do OH WHAT A POST THERE SHALL BE."
Okay. So I lied. There was no post.
What I remember my birthday was nice. I had a Doctor Who cake. My sister wore a blanket all day like a lost soul.
I took the picture Kiki did to rehearsal. Bemused reactions all round. But I liked them.
And I didn't die on my birthday so that's always a plus.

Consider Yourself a clichéd pun that I refuse to make.
So Oliver. That was something that happened last year. Sure was. Taught me stage combat and that there are worse things then losing a toenail to a dropped book. (Mostly crushed balls and cracked legs)

"maybe I’ll post pictures of the atrophying flesh that is my legs"
I made a gentleman's promise to the director never to show those photos. Suffice to say, not nice.

I Am Reviewing The play/the last year/the chance to make bad Oliver! puns.
I gave a photo of me in the play as a gift to my grandparents for Christmas. They think I look sweet. I'm not sweet! I'm...Oh who am I kidding?

"The sooner I do this, the sooner I can get around to killing you"
And so I went about killing my sexy headghost.

"PS. Girlfriend of the future: I love you. Please don’t get your head cut off."
The first of many notes to GOTF.

"Thomas is once again stealing plots from books to make his life more interesting. Points to anyone who can name the two books"
This still stands by the way. (If you get enough points, you get a toaster.)

In July, clearly nothing happened as there was no blog posts. Jancis is too lazy to cast his mind back that far. That is why his year is based on this blog.
Circular logic. Have to love it.

Half Hearted Post
So after the unexplained absence I got down to the important things.
1. The death and rebirth of Faith as an official part of my fictional world. This one is for you, you insane headghost. (Me? Unhinged? Noooooo.)
2. New laptop (writing this on it now)
3. Playing Command and Conquer (Oh Cameron. You had NO idea what you were saying, did you?)
4. Going to the workshop.
"Will it be worth it?"
Meh.

"Will I have to take my trousers off?"
Not really. (Not for the want of trying.)

The Slander Free Blog Post
Still remaining slander free. Had some good times. Learnt life lesson. All good.
Interesting thing here. SOMEONE GAVE ME HEADLICE!
Had to cut my hair after I got headlice from someone in the audience. Who I am not sure. But headlice I got!

Here I would call the "Gap Year" period ended. So now we enter the Solent Years.

The first Uni post
So this was me alone in halls.

"There is some….thing in the halls that’s playing music. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT!?"
Still don't know and it is best not to ask.

Me sitting up late looking at my laptop writing? Had to get used to that lovely feeling.


T' traditional “TLAP” Day blog post (run through a pirate translator because I be too lazy t' do it meself).
Again I lie and made up most of the translating as the official translator only changed little things like "you" to "ya". So in the end I probably did more work. Oh well.

"I intend to sit in the kitchen and glare at them"
They ignored me.

The "I have joined a cult" post. (Who had the bet for three weeks?)
"Ah yes, the joys of a reclusive non-drinking non-smoker"
It's still a case of no one ever tells me where the parties are. That said, have gone to a few nightclubs. (You know, I still haven't gone to Legends after all the hoo-ha about it at school. Clearly I miss out.)

"Friend: Oh that is so fucking interesting, you pussy"
That was Tess of "JanFan" fame. She keeps calling me a paedophile in front of people. Interesting girl. Swiss you know? Likes ketchup.

"I did stand over you with a butcher’s knife for four hours while you were crashed out on the couch."
"No. No. ____. It's a joke. Honey! It's a joke. I wrote something on my blog when I was nineteen. Sweetie. No. No don't phone the police! It was a joke!"

"I was told I needed to write “three pages” everyday"
That worked until November when I just gave up. I was busy enough already without pointless note taking.
It was mostly: “Sky dark. Am tired. Need to do more work.” Then waffle for a two and a half pages.

"Pallas Athena/Minerva"
People who don't read this blog never understand the joke. Honestly those who do read don't really. What's wrong with numerous imaginary muses? (Opposed to the many real muses who sadly always seem to be thirteen year old girls yearned after by French artists).

This is a test of the "Jancis = AWESOME!" alert,
Because you need an alarm to tell you the obvious.

Anyone notice it's cold?
I grew quite attached to that bench by the door. It got removed for some reason. Sad. I could watch the smokers stand in the non-smoking zone. FLAUNT THAT SIGN!

"So we have to do a performance based on us from year Dot to Twenty"
*gently bangs head against wall, while crying* Did you know actors could be difficult? That’s all I shall say.

"You do not want to see my shins"
Leg damage and headghosts seem to take up most of '08

New from Jancis' Insane Mind
I WILL write a more in-depth post on the blog when I finish the editing. Stupid work was getting in the way.
But from the unedited copy my Mum has this to say, "It needs work but there are some very good parts."
Thanks Mum.

Second firing of the "Jancis = AWESOME!" alert,
Oh spoilers for unaired episodes. How no one cares!

A big day for me.
True story.
Amazing what happens when you need to go piss.

What is my 20000th word?
Kind of went a bit insane and just threw in random people when I needed cannon fodder. But what's the fun of knowing an author if NOT to have things like that happen?
(Sarah. Mark. I might have to cut your chapter. Do you know the term Crack!fic? Well, I have penguin robbers. I will put up the chapter if I do drop it.)

Spring Awakening: The Tale of the Philosophising Teenage Rapist and His Suicidal Gay Friend
"I don’t even know everyone in my First Year group"
Still don't! (Stupid thin, dark haired girls and the similar bone structures!)

WEEEE WAAAAAA WEEEE WAAAAAA
People still seem amazed that I have done the podcast. And I smartly tell them "I did set off an alarm".

Just thought you'd like to know:
Probally the thing I am proudest of in 2008. I did in a month what I failed to do in over a year.
WEEEE WAAAAAA WEEEE WAAAAAA
Sing out "Jancis=Awesome" alarm. Sing out.

The December Ramble
My readers STILL haven't got back to me. HA! See them get a mention in the "Thanks" pages now!

"rewriting it over the holidays in between writing essays"
So young. So not understanding the drain that is an essay.

“please take me in a manly yet sensitive manner.”
And that’s how I met your mother"
And they say romance is dead.
(I am probably going to have a very boring marriage and have it ruined by all of you saying "He threatened to stand over you with a knife. Did you know that? Yes. Slap him harder!")

What is that strange whining noise?
Got to show off even more! Brilliant. I really did put a bag on my head. Method acting all the way!

For Mama Sal
Because I will go that extra mile for the JanFans.




A Year Of Jancis (2008)
Taste that Meta!
Christmas was quiet. Saw both sets of grandparents, which was nice. Got some books and DVDS to keep me going. (Also got "Professor Layton" so the DS is coming back to Soton)
Worked on essays and let my Mum and sister read my book. They liked it.
That said; do NOT say the albino has black hair. Even if you mistyped you will never hear the end of it.

Resolution? More writing. Get fitter. Normal boring stuff.

And that was my year.
So.
How was yours?