Monday, February 23, 2009

Jancis Deals With Grief in His Inevitable Style

So I’ve been trying to write something here. But the words aren’t coming.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired.
Maybe it’s because I have a lot of bottled up feelings.
Who knows?
So I’m not going to try and be smart or ordered. This is going to be a bit of a flowing post. Excuse the strange grammar and logical leaps.

Just get it onto virtual paper.

Suffice to say, one week ago I found out that my Grannie had died in her sleep. She was 83. My mother come to see her and found her in her bed.
The plan was from her to come see my halls on the Tuesday.

Now the weird thing is how “okay” I am. No. Not OKAY. That’s stupid. My Grandmother is gone.

But I know she wouldn’t want me to stop doing what I’m doing or to have a breakdown.

New Years 2000, she almost died of pneumonia. So I feel that I have had an extra nine years.
On Boxing Day I thought ‘We got through Christmas with all grandparents. Let’s see what the new year brings us.’
I talked to her a few weeks ago. She seemed fine. I got to say I loved her.
There was no way any of us could have ‘got there earlier’ or ‘saved her’.
She went to bed on Friday and didn’t get up in the morning. She died in her own home in her own bed. I feel that’s best.

I am not a huge fan of the clich├ęd emotions. Of course I’m hurting. I’ve lost the only person beside my mother to understand me during my dark hours. And I mean lost. I would love to think she’s watching over me. But I can’t.

Last year, I said goodbye to my mother. I said I didn’t know what would happen to me when I went to Uni. I could burn to death in a house fire, fall down some stairs, get mugged. And if a double decker bus crashes into us? You get the point. Anyway, I said ‘I will say goodbye and I love you now. Then you know we’re good. No ‘If only I had rung earlier’. Know I love you. And visa versa.’ So we’ve said our goodbyes. It’s wrong and macabre but I did it all the same.

I guess it’s the snap nature of it really. One day I have a Grannie. The next, not so much.
I haven’t had to go to the house or have to deal with the moving of papers or anything.
It’s surreal and slightly unconnected.

But everyone’s going ‘You okay?’ And I have to go ‘Yeah, weirdly. Live my life. Be glad she saw me start to do something I love. Be glad I had the extra time with her.’

What else can I say?
I am going to miss her and I’m glad I knew her.
Sorry this seems slightly weird. It’s just too big a thing to leave unblogged.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Avoiding Writing with Writing.

Okay guys. I’m hiding out of this blog to get away from the ‘work’.
See, my Body teacher (yes, I have a body teacher. Yes, I dance. Yes, I seem to go through it with a sardonic grin and the knowledge I’ll never be a dancer.) Anyway, she cancelled the lesson on Tuesday. So I go ‘Four day weekend? AWESOME! I’ll edit my book.’
*headbutts wall*
I knew it would be a long and boring process. But MAN!
I have to correct my spelling. And fix the plotholes. And make it make sense. And I need to get a form off the IRS if I use the publishing company that I’m only using because the NaNoWriMo people gave me a coupon code to get a free copy of the book. And. And. AND!
That said, I have a 'missing chapter' that I cut for being too silly.

So I’m hiding out of this blog. And listening to REM on YouTube for some bizarre reason (‘Nightswimming’ if you care.)

In less scary news Tess and I (You all remember Tess?) have created a series of videos called EPIC LISTS. Go watch what I do in my free time when not rewriting my classic!

I don’t mean to shock or amaze you but it snowed. That was exciting. I got into the paper. (Tess is the pink hated one and my friend Craig is the guy kneeling in front of the purple scarf.) I remember days of my youth going out to throw stones on the frozen lake in the grounds of the school. There I was thinking such things were long gone.
Tess, the Swiss Miss that she is, mocks our lack of preparation for the snow. I tried to say this was a fallacy. It’s like India mocking Holland for not being ready for flooding. You can’t apply the fact that the Swiss have a lot of snow and then say ‘they know how to deal with it. So should you!’ Whatever. I’m just glad my grandparents haven’t slipped over yet.

So that’s what’s happening with me.