Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Happy One Year.

Oh blog. How you've grown.
Back when I started I was so young and innocent.
Now I'm old and hairy.

But you will not be left behind. Nay I shall carry you in my heart forever. Which I...Teechers? Christ this IS a old blog.

Come one, let's go get hammered. My treat.

Monday, November 26, 2007

In which Jancis works towards a deadline

Well, it’s that time of the year. The time to go on Amazon and order DVDs and books for other people. The time when people ask “If you don’t believe in Jesus, YOU DON’T GET THE HOLIDAY!”
As people might know, I’ve been banned from Christmas by my sister, who, a couple of years ago said “If you don’t let Christmas into your heart, you don’t get the holiday”. Me being me, Of course I took this a step further and told everyone that it meant I had to buy my presents just to feel included. I think Bobbi still believes me about that. I should call her and apologize for A LOT!
By the way, the murderer was Roland who was being paid to wean us out as demon fighters or something. I’m still amused by Roxanne apologizing to Charles for pushing of a balcony who had no idea what was happening.

Speaking of me being free and easy with the truth, there’s a guy I met in Chichester who I’m going to apologize to here.
Short blonde guy I met on the open day, I lied to you. I do not have toes missing, my eyes are not different colours, I am not an albino with dyed hair and contacts, I did not spend the night in a ditch neither did I spend it at my girlfriend, neither did I hide in the closet when the boyfriend came back, neither when she said “Oh Jesus” did I leap out the closet shouting “HERE I AM!” and finally I am not clinically insane and do NOT want to wear your skin. It was all greasy and as you know, it puts the lotion on the skin ‘else it gets the hose!

Point? *scans up quickly* Ah. The holidays. So today I received all the packages to give to mon famillie. And yes I have an advent calendar before you ask. It cost two pounds from Tesco. Remember when you got happy about 5p worth of chocolate back before you realised you could buy chocolate yourself. Or condoms.

Jesus, I’m really distracted today. I’ll knock it out quickly. Speaking of my masturbation habits NONOSTOPNO!
Quick before I start again. I wrote my holiday card. Remember those? The 100 word stories. Well there’s a new one. And this year I’m giving it to the relatives. And if it works out, I’ll have a PDF to email you all. Won’t that be super?

Okay. Holiday. Tick. Apologies. Tick. Talk of my penis. Yep.
AH. Now Sarah’s been saying “Jancis, why you know have photos on the Facebooks?” And I say “Sarah, you rube! Learn to speak good! You sound like a LOL cat and I don’t want anyone near my cheeseburgers! Also I am a mix of races*, all of which come from cold wet places. I think I’ve been outside six times this month. Basically a photo of me at the moment would scare people.” Then Sarah ate my cheeseburger.
Or something like that. Maybe I don’t have a camera? I’ve gone so far even I can’t tell what’s real or not.

So there you go. My November post!
Happy Mark? I’m up there with Sarah and…something to do with toast. I got lost when they used “monologue” in a post-break up post. IT’S A POST. OF COURSE IT’S MONO. IF IT WAS MORE YOU’D BE WRITING A PLAY.
Speaking of plays, where was the great BigSal movie I so gallantly recorded lines for? Hmm? Hmm? Do you want to go on MY wall of shame?
I thought not.

*Wales, England, Latvia. (It means I’m 2/3 good at singing and 3/3 bad at football. OH SNAP!…he said in text…I’m going to crawl into my cupboard now.)

Thursday, November 01, 2007

My Halloween (Jancis File Number 1)

At eleven hundred hours, my pockets full of assorted religious memorabilia, vials of water and a packet of softmints, I strolled into the police station of the small town of Gillingham. This is the place I claimed as my home for the last six years and now this would be the last year I patrol the streets.
I thought it would only be polite to call in and tell them what I was planning.
Using my mad ninja skills I walked through the door, crawled past the empty desk and entered the police chief’s office.
The chief looked at me over her hornrimmed glasses.
“Yes?” she said, sounding slightly bored.
“Hey Chief.” I said dropping into the chair before her desk.
She placed her papers into a drawer
“Do I know you?”
“Chief. It’s me.” I cried, butter-won’t-melt look at full power.
She looked blank.
“Jancis.” I said slightly begging. So I thought the poor dear’s going a bit doo-lally so I’ll help along.
“I deal with the things the police find too supernatural.”
She blinked a couple of times. I pulled out my highlight of the year.
“I was in the Western Gazette in June” says I. Yes, that seems to have been my brightest moment. So sue me.
You see, a picture of me had appeared on page 67 of the Gazette. It was me, hair slicked back with the blood of the lesser demon Blue Canary who had begun to eat people outside Waitrose. Anyway, I approached it and tore it’s arm off and beat it to death. So I’m grinning like a madman, my left eye is swollen up in its socket and the road behind me is on fire.
The Gazette placed a large cartoon arrow over my left shoulder pointing to the back of an old man. The caption below asked “ARE YOU THIS MAN? IF YOU ARE, YOU LEFT YOUR WALLET OUTSIDE WAITROSE”
Yes, the local paper really doesn’t have anything better to do then help people find their wallets.

Back to the police station.
I tried many reminders of my job which I hoped would jog her mind. These including me wearing a dress to catch a lamia who was eating competitors of the Mrs Gillingham contest, turning a dark wizard (he skinning children) into a parrot, stopping the invasion of wolves during the Mrs Winter contest and driving back the attack of vampires in the middle of the Miss Give Blood contest. I did win something at the last one. The “Most Likely to Ruin a Contest” Prize as I killed all the vampires, completely negating the whole point and if I can’t play along why can’t I just stay home?
The chief sat as I ranted before clearing her throat.
“I DO remember us dealing with a parrot” she said as if talking to a five year old.
Sighing I played my Ace.
“I’m the one who did the EXPERIMENTAL FILM graffiti in the surgery’s carpark.”
At which point, the chief tackled me, shouted “We’ve got him boys” and smashed my head against the wall.
So I was done for, and I quote “wasting police time and being an all round knob”. I was made to pay a twenty pound fine and I’m also banned from talking to any member of the police again. I was warned if they catch me again it would stretch to being any member of the emergency services.
“Even doctors?”
“Especially doctors!”

So I decided to go back to being a lone wolf. Police help is overrated so I resorted to hiding in the graveyard and wait for trouble to come to me instead.
“What ya supposed to be?”
I peered over a gravestone to see Spiderman.
“Aren’t you a little short to be a superhero?” I asked, completely reasonably.
He didn’t pull off his mask to tell me he had come to rescue me but just glared as best as one can through a cheep latex mask.
“Ya didn’t answer me. What’s your costume.”
I glanced down at my long coat, dark trouser, dark shirt and trainers.
“I’m the fifth Cylon.”
“The what?”
“Oh yes. There are many copies.”
I leered conspiratorially at him.
“And we have a plan.”
He seemed unimpressed.
“You a pedo?”
I raised one surprised eyebrow.
“Pedos hang around in churchyards.” Spidey said matter of fact.
“No. Necrophiliacs hang around in churchyards.” I said as matter of fact.
I realised what I was calling myself here and decided to win back the fight with a witty comeback.
“Go ask your mommy why her kisses taste so salty.”
Did I say witty? I meant crude. I needed to finish this fast.
“Did you get some candy?” I asked trying not sound too molesty.
He did a small twirl.
“Yeah. This is a shit-hot costume.”
“Goodie-gumdrops.” I said
So I pepper sprayed him and then ate his little Mars bars.

As I munched away I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around slowly.
“You appear to be sitting on my grave.” Moaned a man with no eyes or nose.
“Oh sorry.” I said moving to a bench.
“Happy Halloween” I said.
“Brains” replied the zombie..
“What a polite zombie.” Thought I as I started on the Skittles.

As I sat on the bench I watched the passing parade of cheep costumes and supposedly sexy costumes. For the record I saw twenty seven Playboy bunnies.
There was one moment of excitement when I heard someone say they wanted to suck someone’s blood. Now the penis doesn’t have that much blood in it at the best of times so I don’t think she really was a vampire. I shot her with a crossbow anyway. Then he got all disgruntled that she hadn’t finished so I shot him too.

I wandered down the highstreet for a little while when I spied another zombie. This one was trying to break into the charity shop. Maybe she wanted the knitted sweaters her family had cruelly given to charity? Maybe she just wanted a second hand Agatha Christie. Anyway, it was my job to stop her.
“Excuse me ma’m?”
She let out a small moan I took as “How can I help you young man?”
“I was just wondering are you Chinese, Japanese, Haitian or Mexican?”
A second moan that could be “What a peculiar question. Might I enquire why the intrest?”
“Well they seem to be happy with their ancestors crawling out of their graves. Asian culture has families laying out meals for those who enter their homes!”
“BRAAAAAINS?” she said hopefully.
“Mainly rice I’m afraid.” I had to shrug.
Happy to have an audience I began to talk.
“Mexico has the Day of the Dead which is based on the popular game Grim Fandango. The people of the island of Tahiti call up Baron Samedi in a large festival involving drums and rum. Once done he goes on a mad killing spree and tries to kill James Bond. I suspect things would be quite dull without him. Not that I’m calling them dull, it’s just- No. Bad. That’s my arm. You can’t have it.”
I began to batter at her. Clearly she was a bad bitey kind so I stuck a penknife in her spinal column. As she dropped I began to get to work on removing the head.

Just as I got the head separated from the body I remembered that odd year Halloweens are when the demons and ghouls take a well deserved break from trying to end mankind. How could I have forgotten last year and the hellmouth which had consumed Mere. Not that anyone notices the fact the sheep now have wings and eat each other.
Rolling my eyes at my stupidity I hoisted the dead undead woman and flung her into the river. Sure it would cause pollution and would spread the virus and-Why the fuck DID I throw her in? Oh well. Let the police deal with it.

I walked back to the graveyard. The boy was slowly being dragged down the road by a ball of dark. Sitting back on the bench I admired the town. How was this place going to manage without me and my demonfighting skills? Maybe I would just stay?
I passed a large woman who was coming up to people and shouting in their faces.
“Has anyone seem my son? He’s about eight and dressed like Spiderman.”
“He got taken by a big ball of nothingness.”
She glared at me.
“Piss off.”

Oh well. Can’t hold back the march of time and all things must change. Hands in my pockets I whistled as the ball caught the woman and began to break her into base chemicals.
You have to love the holidays.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Motherfraking Snakes on a Motherfraking Plane! (This joke was bought to you by 2006)

I was watching a video young Mark had on his blog about Zach Braff and it had a clip from Garden State where he imagines the plane crash. This brought back 2 thoughts. One, Bah Fight Club did it soooo much better. Two, I guess that means it can’t be shown on planes.

So here is Jancis’ list of films you can’t show on a plane and why.
Fight Club (mid-air plane decompression)
Garden State (Ditto)
Goldeneye (Plane Crash)
Lost (Not a film but still)
Die Hard II (Planes crashing and going BOOOM! Bruce Willis in a vest)
The Twilight Zone Movie (“There’s a Gremlin on the plane!”)
United 93 (9/11)
Hitman (as above)
A Series of Unfortunate Events (for advising those who don’t like the film to leave the “room or cinema or plane”)
Snakes On A Plane (…*one eyebrow raised in a quizzical style*)
Pearl Harbour (it’s shite…and there’s dive bombing.)

Honourable Mention
Airplane (I guess it’s funny enough to avoid panic)

Can anyone think anymore?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Quick update

My, my. What a time we’ve all been having.
All of you off meeting new people and drinking new drinks. Well I’m doing the last. I’m just doing it alone mumbling into my new hobo beard. Well, when I say “new drinks” I mean “Minty mouthwash”.
No but really. Today is my second day of “work”. You see I said ‘The day I’m free of school I shall take a gap year to write that great novel which will get me enough money to buy the ark of the Covenant!”
But things can’t be easy so I had to clear a house, look through university leaflets, be told “Maybe you should stick to acting”, look through more leaflets, be told I might be beaten by Dame Whishy Washy, have a sleep. Repeat for two months. Yes, every day. I’ve tattooed important things on my body. Do you know about my condition? Why is my life running backwards and half the time in black and white?
Speaking of that film I got shot down when I said I wanted my cast photo to be covered in blood pointing down to the spot where I’ll have “I did it” written. Be a change from the nice headshots with shinny shinny teeth.
So until then I’m starting the writing. Rather then bite off more then I could chew I consulted an idea book to spark my mind. And the sparkword was VIAGRA®. Is the world really ready for a Jancis story on erectionary medicine? Knowing me it’ll probably be taken by a guy some kind of barb which ends up gutting his girlfriend. Which he Then he must run for his life and never get aroused again or else…DOOM!
So I started on something about “YOU ARE SHIPWRECKED. WRITE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER 5 HOURS, 5 MONTHS AND 5 YEARS”. So lets see how that goes shall we?
I’ve also deleted the murder game. Consider this a grand retcon! Well I learnt that it is a bad idea to have a overly complex storyline run by folks who don’t know what’s going on. Consider this a pre-empetive protection of my balls for John Law and His ‘Mazing Ninja Lawyers. Oh well it kind filled the space that a lack of actual friendship left.
Maybe more later if you’re good.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows times

11:08 am -> 10:37 pm

And now to wait until the end of August for people to boast "I read it in a month"

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Rambling, self-hating-tinged filler post in which very little happens OR a normal Jancis post.

So you will probably want to hear allll about what I’ve been up to over the last month now I’m free from the hold of “The Man”.
You see I’m still in the lull between exams and results.
Yeah I know I said, “When I leave this hellhole THEN and only then I can get on with my grand quadology and have tons of cash and then I’ll go on a roadtrip and talk about coffee and take drugs and have sex with a person of every country in the world, including the Vatican City, and then die leaving a drug riddled corpse in my Malibu mansion surrounded by wolves!” And then you all ignored me and I went into the cupboard to cry and bite off my fingers.
Remember that?
Good times.

So what I trying to say is that I have done bugger all writing. Why? Because I’ve been visiting relatives in Portsmouth and South Wales. I mean how many times did I need to know that tourists are ruining Solva? Yes it is sad that I never got to meet my Great-great-great Uncle. I also wanted to meet Oscar Wilde but there you go.
So I had to take care of my Granny so I missed the Prom. Not sure how I feel about that. I think it’s my slow decline into a life in a hermitage and a beard I can wipe my feet on.
At least I got to dive into freezing Welsh waves in nothing but a T-shirt and shorts for over an hour. Oh the bravery and weirdly bleeding nipples. I think I breastfed a porpoise.
So how did I waste my time. Books and DVDs. And if you’re feeling tired and depressed watching four episode of Battlestar Galacta in a row DOES NOT HELP!
And what else could cheer me up? Oh yes, my great uncle died during the exams so everyone’s running up and down and people are stealing things and there’s a war and babies are sick and they still won’t bring back Firefly and my nose itches. ‘part from that it’s all good.
So really this is a post to say that nothing seems to be happening. Don’t know why I bother. Nobody reads these……WHY DOES NO ONE LOVE ME!!!!!? I LOVE ME!!!!

But to be serious, I’m just waiting for a chance to clean out all my old stuff, get a desk that isn’t my bed and starting writing again. Until then I’ll sleep, eat and wonder why the porpoise left such tiny teeth mark on both nipples. Two headed dolphin monster?

Monday, May 28, 2007

18 and no giant sword to kill evil. Go figs.

Today I celebrated my 18th year on this Earth. And I can say I enjoyed very much. I have received about four different DVD box sets which I’ll have time to watch in about a month!
Patience, softly softly, catch the monkey etc.

I also took young Master Allen and young Mistress Jancis on a exciting time to the cinema to peruse the latest Pirates Of the Caribbean.

Now I don’t get why people say it’s so bad. It’s never going to be Seventh Seal. It’s a pirate movie. With rum.

And so does Keek.

So that’s a real quick blog post. Thanks to the two people who sent me a post/email to wish me a Happy Day. COME ON GUYS, YOU’VE GOT A COUPLE OF HOURS!!!

Just remember, “sea turtles”.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Return To Subpar Form.

I had a whole sub-amazing post planned. It was a story of evil robots and the reason why Google will kill us all with EVIL! But then I remembered who my target audience of this was. So I dropped it.
Crying shame.

Anyway, I’m still alive. Of course, you’d know that. 90% of the news/stories I wish to report have been seen/heard/experienced by my readers.
But OH! Just you wait until we never see each other again after June. THEN we’ll have some stories. Oh, yes.

So….what do I do with this thingy McJim?
Well, I leant that you are all terrible commenters. Come on guys! We writers want to have our egos cuddled and loved. So you don’t get my satirical wit with evil actresses and bombs. Or Googlebots…sexy pinkhaired Googlebots with go-go boots and Segways!

I could review TV or books or films or plays or glue! The choices are ginormus!

Here I go!

Dead Witch Walking: Enchanting
Heroes: Super
Doctor Who: Fantastic
Exams: Bad

That was fun. But I won’t do that again for a while. Too much effort.

What else can I talk about?
While I was enjoying my 17 hour naps, I dreamt I travelled five years into the future where I was promptly shot for having outdated ID. Also my family had moved.

I think that dream means I’m gay. Or a Timelord. A gay Timelord?

Well, I’m going to stop it there. Maybe one day, I’ll have something interesting on this blog. One day.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Moon Madness

There are three unavoidable things in this life. You will pay taxes, you will die and you will do something to garner my disdain.

Today’s is the citizens of Bath.

Today I went to the theatre to better expand my clever. When I left I saw that people were looking up into the sky, mouths agape.

I looked up and thought “lunar eclipse” and moved on. As I waited for my mother more people came out and had their little brains blasted. I could see their minds say the following:
“There Is No Moon!…!THERE ShoULd Be A MooN!!!!! MYAHHHHHHH!”

I wished to erect a sign:
People Of Bath
YES: There’s a lunar eclipse
YES: It’s impressive
NO: It’s not the end of the world
NO: Your God has not left you to starve away from his love
Just keep walking and stop cluttering the streets,
you brain dead mongoloids.

Thankfully, my “grumpiness” as Mum called it meant we avoided the roadworks because…the workers had the brains blasted. Just standing there.
We get the word lunatic from the idea of the moon driving people mad. Now I know it’s true.
Just have to find out if woman’s periods link in with the moon. Hate to see what a eclipse does to them. Probably makes them lactate butter.

So we switched on the radio so we could enjoy this:
“Enthusiasts are enjoying a clear view of the lunar eclipse”

Enthusiasts! Are there people saying “The Moon’s my favourite celestial body. It used to be Pluto but it’s not a planet so it sucks now. If I had to have sex with a lump of rock, it would definitely be the Moon.”
Anyway, Tintin was a lot more interesting with the solar eclipse.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Taken from the files of Captain Thomas Jancis MD SEX-E (140207)

* Today was the celebration of Saint Valentine’s Day.
Big V was some kind of chocolate god who gives flowers and kinky undies to all the good boys and girls but cheese and clymedia to the bad ones.

* I was awarded with two flowers for my general prowess and sexablity. One of these flowers had this written on its’ card:
Roses are a brand of chocolates that come in wrappers of various colours, including blue, and I like you.
I am convinced that this might be a clue to the whereabouts of my girlfriend and my missing memories. That or I’m liked by someone who likes chocolates. That knocks out the lactose intolerant.
And Sarah. Unless the cheeselove was some cunning ruse to pretend she doesn’t like the holiday. Which we know is impossible as girls get high on flowers and soppy cards.


* I also taught a robot how to love. His name was Murray V or Murray Five. Of course the idea blew his little mind and to put a long story into two words. Matt’s dead. Yes, again! I’ve made it look like he’s on a university visit until I can either find an actor or clone him. It wouldn’t be the first time.
I don’t want to call my friends stupid but the last guy was a forty-two year old Porto Rican.

Time: 8:32- Outside the school gates.
Matt (M) meet with Murray Five (MV). They began conversation. This continued for five minutes until the following conversation was overheard by one Captain Thomas Jancis (J)

M: It’s a human feeling.
M: It’s emotions like being heartbroken. You don-
Murray V punched Matt in the chest, ripping out his heart.
MV: Your heart appears to be undamaged.
Jancis takes the robot down with his screwdriver. All attempts to save his CPU failed due to the damage done from the light.
M:Tell Murray Five I loved her
J:Murray Five was a guy!
M: Really!? SHIT!!!! Urk.
J: How did he talk without a heart?

* Bobbi (Ibbob) has yet to make a move. But it’s coming. Oh, it’s coming. (Time overdue:176 weeks)

* I also smashed Lewis’ kneecap with the stick. I’m going to need have some form of cover for this. Anyway, he shouldn’t have tried to take my stick in the first place.
* Steak And BJ Day (HJ for the vegis among you) failed miserably with Fanning claiming it to be a stupid idea.

* POSSIBLE LINE OF ACTION: Rape Fanning while he’s sleeping.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

3. (The Pre-Fight)

Third person means it’s just done by the game.
First is what we can control.

The screen is black
Jancis: Well that could have gone better.
Jancis: I think I might be dead.
A small pinpoint of light appears in the middle of the screen.
Jancis: Hello?
It grows bigger.
Jancis: Jesus?
And bigger.
Jancis: Buddha?
It is nearly filling the screen.
Jancis: Spiderman?
We see things from Jancis’ shaded view. Minnie is kneeling over him. She is rubbing a cloth over his forehead. She’s rather closer then you would expect.
Jancis: Aughk.
Minnie falls back on her heels, smiling.
Minnie: You feeling better?
Jancis: *Aughk? Am I brain-dead? I hope not.*
Minnie: Would like to have some of my soup?
Jancis: Yabara.
Minnie pours some soup down Jancis’ throat, healing him like food does.
Jancis: *cough* I’m alright.
Jancis: *Too…much…salt!*
As he coughs, he looks down at his legs.
We’re now back in the barroom. Jancis is on the floor without trousers. He looks as if he’s only wearing a long shirt. A small attempt has been made to tidy up the mess. Spike and Flora are gone.
Jancis looks up from his legs.

Jancis: Did you have to take my trousers?
Minnie: You might have crushed something! I had to check.
Jancis: *Yep, I’m defiantly getting out of this place*
Jancis: Thank you for that. Now I’m going to save my buddy, like a good guy.
He gets to his feet and reaches for the sheath on his belt. He touches the spot of couple of times.
Jancis: Where’s my BFB?
Minnie: Your what?
He looks up.
Jancis: Oh. It means.
Jancis rubs the back of his head, embarrassed.
Jancis: Um.
He looks around the room quickly.
Jancis: Where did you say my trousers are?
Minnie: I’m cleaning them.
Jancis looks slightly appalled. Minnie shrugs.
Minnie: They had blood on them.
Jancis limps over to one of the chairs and sits down. He rubs his face, tired.
Jancis: How long was I out?
Minnie: Ten minutes.
Jancis: Where did Spike go?
Minnie: Me and that cat friend of yours throw him in the pigsty. He won’t be bothering you again. Then she saw something and run off. Probably a bird or something.
Jancis: Yeah. Um.
A small bell rings. Minnie walks over to the oven and opens the oven. She pulls Jancis’ jeans out of them.
Jancis: You cooked my trousers?
Minnie: Yeah, I put them in the trough and then I needed to dry them.
Jancis: Maybe you should leave them to dry outside.
Minnie: You sure? It’s a very good oven
Jancis: I am very, very, VERY, sure I don’t want you cooking my trousers.
Minnie: Well, okay then.

You get to your feet.
Try to go out the door
Jancis: Yeeeeeah. I’m not keen on going outside without trousers on.
Look in the mirror
Jancis: You know the most impressive thing is that I got smashed in the face that many times yet the glasses remain unbroken. Very cool.
Head up the stairs
Jancis climbs up the stairs. He begins to turn up the stairs. Suddenly Spike’s door flies open. The girl charges out of the room, the blade brandished over her head. She screams as she heads towards him. Jancis just sidesteps to the right. She keeps going and smashes through the banister. The blade embeds itself in the wall. Jancis looks as if this is just one more thing in a long line of hookers trying to cleave him in two.
Jancis leans over the barrier.
Jancis: Sorry Min!
Go to the door on the far left.
Jancis: It’s Kieran’s room. As much as I would love to break his stuff I think I have better things to do.

Go to the middle door
Jancis: The door is open…and has smoke pouring out of it.
Turns to the camera
Jancis: Don’t do drugs kids

Jancis: Do I really want to go in?
Jancis: Fine. I’ll just not inhale.
The room is full of smoke. Two beds are visible through the gloom. A beam of light can be seen on the right.
Walk towards the light
As you head over towards the light, Jancis stumbles and hits the wall. The window’s catch snaps and the windows open. The smoke begins to clear. We now see the room is a mess. The beds are wrecked and underwear and bottles are everywhere. There are two large leather jackets. One has SWEET MOTHER FU picked out in studs. We presume the rest of the studs have fallen off.
The other has
BABY BRANDY in studs.
Look at the Brandy coat
Jancis: I shouldn’t really but-
Look at the Jackson coat
Jancis: There’s a lighter, a condom and a cheese sandwich. I don’t smoke or eat other people’s food. The condom smells of curry. I don’t want it either.

Jancis: Right, I’ve nicked enough stuff. Apart from the free scripture. You can never have enough of that! I’m going to lock this place up.
He walks back into the corridor and locks the door behind him.

Go back into your room
We’re back in his room.
Make your bed.
Screen goes to black. When we come back, the bed is tidy.
Jancis: Mum would be so proud of me.
Close the door
The closed door reveals a pair of brown trousers.
Jancis: They’ll do.
Jancis slips the trousers on.
Jancis: Neato. It’s time to rescue Keek!

Did you steal the room key?

Jancis: She’s left her door open. I better check if she’s left anything worth taking.
Things continue as above.

You begin to walk down the stairs. Jancis pulls the blade out of the wall.
Jancis: I wish I knew how she got you away from me.

You continue into the barroom. It’s tidier. Brandy is slumped over the bar, drinking a green drink from a wineglass. Minnie looks up from cleaning a glass.
Minnie: You broke my banister.
Jancis: And a window catch.
She almost drops the glass.
Minnie: WHAT!?
Jancis: Was broken when I found it!
Minnie: You do realise that this is all going on your bill.
Jancis gestures at Brandy who glares at him.
Jancis: What about the skinheads? Don’t they have to pay?
Minnie: They’re providing me with weed.
Jancis raises an eyebrow.
Minnie: Purely for health purposes.
Brandy: Don’t expect any more now!
Jancis: Look! I’m sorry I crunched your boyfriend/brother’s goolies and I’m sorry you thought you could kill me with my own weapon that you stole from me. But-
He stops and thinks.
Jancis: I don’t have a point!

Talk to Brandy.
Brandy: Don’t talk to me, you dog-faced loser.
Jancis: Yeah, well…your breasts are wonky!
Brandy: Whatever.
Jancis makes the “Bo-ya!” arm movement.
Jancis: *Jancis for the win!*

Talk to Minnie.
Jancis: Can I have a drink Min?
Minnie: No.
Jancis: Ah, come on. Barfights happen. Things break. That’s life.
Minnie: Not in Krakis it ain’t! Now get your buddy, pay your bills and get out.
Walk out the door.
Minnie: Jancis. Don’t forget the mayor wants to see you! The soon you’re finished the sooner you can leave.
Jancis walks into the street. The door slams behind him.
Jancis: Bitch.
The streets of Krakis are pretty empty. One old woman is looking up on the roof of a house. To the left is a shed.

Talk to the woman
Woman: My cat has escaped. Have you seen my Snowbell?
Jancis: No. Sorry.
Woman: Oh, Snowbell.
Tigerstriped? About 5.4? Wearing a blue vest?
Woman: …Are you mocking me? You should respect your elders!
Look into the shed.
Spike is slowly sinking into the swill, watched by three rotund piggies.
Jancis: You know I really should be sad that a fellow human being is drowning in pigshit but I can’t be bothered.

Head into town.
You begin to head to down off-screen. Just before you leave, a bird drops from the air. It becomes to stagger before collapsing.
Jancis: Stoned bird. Huh.
A white cat leaps on it from the rooftop and begins to eat.
Jancis: Snowbell?
The cat looks up, shakes and falls over.
Jancis: You’re nicked, me lovie.
We see the old lady coo as she strokes her cat. The cat is slightly zonked.

Woman: Where did you find him?
Jancis: I’m a cat person. They find me.
Woman: Do
Jancis: I’ve always wanted to. It’s up there with wanting to have an otter or have sex with a dolphin. But below learning how to fly without wings.
Woman:…Just take the bloody diary will you?
Jancis: Yes, Ma’m.
Jancis: Thank God. About time too!

You head down off the screen. There are a few people walking around. They really don’t have anything worth listening to. So let’s just skip ahead to Jancis’ entering the dojo.

Jancis walks into the dojo. His blade is drawn and he looks around nervously.
The room is surrounded by cases full of weapons. Of course there are Easter Eggs here. Gunblades and the like. Very pleasing. Too bad you can’t see it.
Thomas whips off his sunglasses. His right eye is full of blood. Clearly the damage got past the glasses. Quickly he puts them back on.
He nods quietly to himself. He looks up into the camera.
We pan around to see Mr Craig walk in with his quarterstaff. Kieran walks behind him, eating some cake and carrying some tea.

The two fighters bow. Thomas comes up first.
Jancis: You alright?
Kiki: Apart from the threat of necking snapping. You?
Jancis: I’ve trashed the inn in a barfight.
Kiki: Again!?
Jancis: I’m fight-prone!
Mr Craig: I do not believe we have meet.
Jancis does the salute.
Jancis: I’m Jancis and you are the man the locals know as Teacher. You take challenges for money. As far as I know you haven’t been beaten.
Mr Craig: I haven’t.
Jancis: I’m here to pay for the life of my travelling companion.
Mr Craig: You have the money then?
Jancis: I have a bet for you. Double or Nothing.
Kieran smacks his forehead.
Mr Craig: I’d rather have the money.
Thomas tilts his blade in the air.
Jancis: You know what this is? This is a BFB. You don’t see many of these type. Sure you see the meat cleavers and broadswords. But the curved blades? Those are rare. These are things are beauty. These parry and disarm rather then carve
He looks around the room until stopping on a pair of curved blades hanging from hooks.
Jancis: I see you have my friend’s hookblades as well. These three blades are worth three times more then our stupid lives.
Mr Craig: What’s your point?
Jancis: Me and you. Man to man. If I win, you return my friend and his items. You win and you keep the weapons.
Mr Craig: Agreed.
Thomas brandishes his blade before himself.
Jancis: So, you know how to insult swordfight?
Mr Craig: No.
Thomas lowers the weapon, shocked.
Jancis: You don’t?
Craig limbers up.
Mr Craig: No.
Thomas behind himself, nervously. He turns back with a nervous smile.
Jancis: Um, would you like to learn?
Mr Craig: I fight with a staff. I don’t need to use words to hurt.
Jancis: How about a footrace? You want a footrace?
Mr Craig: Enough of this. Let’s fight!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

2. (The First Day)

*This means inner thoughts*

We pan up higher.
SIX MONTHS LATER is written in nice letters over a cloud.
We pan down to the small village of Krakis. It is a happy enough place. A little ramshackle but liveable. We begin to fly past people going about their daily lives. As we keep going, we catch a glimpse of Kieran wearing an old blue blanket he has made into a cloak. He enters a large hall with “Craig’s” scrawled over the doorway.
As we continue to rise and move, we fly in a open window of the second floor of the Inn.
There is a large lump wrapped up in the bed clothes. The blanket is the same as Kiki’s cloak.

Knock Knock
The lump rolls over.
Voice:Mr Jancis.
The lump has a head poke out of it.
Jancis: What is it, Min? We’re not on patrol today! Leave me alone. I don’t want to go to school.
He curls back up into a ball.
Minnie: It’s the mayor. He wants to see you.
Jancis: Can’t he wait until after breakfast?
Minnie: It’s already eleven!
Jancis sits up fully in bed now.
Jancis: Well, I haven’t had breakfast yet! I'm a monster before I have breakfast!
Minnie: What do you want then?
He thinks for a while.
Jancis: Pancakes.
Minnie: You got it!
Jancis: You’re an angel, Min.
Minnie: Don’t I just know it?
Jancis swings his legs out of the bed. He’s wearing a nightshirt. He stretches.
Jancis: Time to get dressed!
Walk over to the chest of drawers.
Jancis: Clean socks and underwear! I love inns. I’m going to wear the duck socks today.
Lift the pillow.
Jancis: Trousers and shirt where I left them.
Pick up coat.
Jancis: Ah, Cecilia. I promise I’ll get you washed next time we stop in a town.
Takes the coat off the hook.
Jancis: That’s it. Time to wash and then I can have panny-cakes! Yay!
He walks into the bathroom and closes the door.
It opens a few seconds later to show Jancis fully dressed. He closes the door and pulls out a key and unlocks his bedroom door. He slips on his shades and walks out into the corridor.

As Thomas walks towards the stairs, he passes past a room.
Woman: Is that you Spike?
Thomas looks at the door with a little interest.
Jancis: Yeah, babe it’s me!
Woman: Did you bring the whipped cream?
Jancis backs away and runs down the stairs.
Woman: Well, did you?
Jancis: Um, no?
Woman: Go away then!
Jancis shrugs and walks down the stairs.

The bar/dinning room is small. Minnie, a woman in her late fifties stands behind the bar. Jancis nods at her and she nods back. A man with a shaved head sits at the bar drinking hard, his legs over the barstools. A man-sized cat sits at one of the tables eating fish. She is only dressed in a short blue jacket and has a small pendent around her neck. She glances up as Thomas enters but then goes back to her meal.
Talk to the catgirl
Jancis: *She’s eating her breakfast. She won’t want a stranger butting in on feeding time.*
Talk to the skinhead
Jancis: You Spike?
Spike: Who wants to know?
Jancis: Your girlfriend is looking for you.
Spike: Oh no. She’s my sister.
Goes back to drinking.
Jancis: …
Spike looks up.
Spike: I’m joking.
Spike swings his legs onto the floor and downs his glass.
Spike: Another grog.
Min: You got the cash for that?
He bangs his glass on the bar.
Spike: Don’t ask. Just serve like a good woman!
Jancis turns away to “face the camera”.
Jancis: *I’ve got a nasty feeling I might have to punch this guy.*
Sit at the bar.
Jancis slips onto the barstool. A plate is placed before him. He smiles and nods. He picks up the cutlery and begins to eat.
Spike: Hey.
He gestures at the catgirl.
Spike: Have you ever seen anything like that before?
Jancis: Not looking up She’s a Tacchip. What of it?
Spike: She’s weird.
Tacchip: She can hear you!
Spike: Shu’ up!
Jancis: Looking up at Min Have you seen Keek today?
Minnie: Your friend left a few minutes ago.
Jancis: Where was he going?
Minnie: Last night, we had a group come from fighting Teacher.
Jancis: You mean the dodjo leader?
Minnie: Yes. Your friend said he could probably beat him. So he went to challenge him.
Jancis: Oh.
Keeps eating
Jancis: Nice pancakes.
Minnie: Thanks.
Spike: You got any whipped cream?
Jancis: *I’m soooo bored*
We begin to pull up.

There is a large crash and Kieran is knocked to the ground into shot.
A man stands above him, holding a quarterstaff. He is known as Teacher or Mr Craig to his friends. Which he has many of, you just can’t meet them. They’re all busy.
He begins to poke Kieran in the chest with his staff.

Man: You’re beaten. That will be two hundred gold.
Kieran brushes it away.
Kiki: Listen Mr Craig.
Craig smashes his staff hard into Kieran’s stomach. He winces.
Mr Craig: It’s Teacher until you best me.
Kiki: Look Teacher. I don’t have any money on me.
The staff is dug in deeper.
Mr Craig: No money?
Kiki: No. My travelling companion keeps it.
Mr Craig: He doesn’t trust you with the money?
Kiki: Long story.

We cut to the road outside Yardale. Kieran and Thomas sit cross-legged on the side of the road. They are both naked.
Kiki: I thought-
Jancis: Shut up.
Kiki: It was an easy bet.
Jancis: Shut up!
Kiki: I’m hungry.
Jancis: Well you shouldn’t have bet everything!
Kiki: Now what?
Jancis: I’m going to get my coat back.
We see Jancis’ top half from behind. Across his back are two long vertical scars.
Kiki: How?
Jancis: I’m going to use my super-duper secret skill to get my clothes back. And my money. And my food.
He looks down.
Jancis: But first I need to get some trousers.
He walks off-screen right. Kieran sits there and then lifts his arm and stares at it.
Kiki: I hadn’t noticed that mole before.

Back to the dojo.
Kiki: And ever since then, Jancis has kept the money.
Mr Craig: You are a strange little man.
He hits Kieran in the throat with the staff. Kieran begins to choke.
Mr Craig: And now you’re going to die. You see what happens when you get cocky with me. You must have heard I’m unbeatable.
Kiki: Ja…JANCIS!
Mr Craig: You saying that your friend will pay for you?
Kiki: Yaaaa…YES!
He hits Kieran in the spot again. Kieran gets to his knees holding his throat.
Mr Craig: Fair enough. I’ll send a runner.
He pulls Kieran to his feet and walks him into the backroom.
Mr Craig: You want some tea? I have some di-ching-na.

Back to the inn. Spike is in full drunk-mode. The catgirl has taken a seat on the leftside of Jancis. She seems to be trying to drink her drink as quick as she can.
Spike: And that’s why you should never screw a centaur.
There is no reaction.
Tacchip: Sip u hyhen!
Jancis: Si paci hp!
Tacchip: (Looking at him now) Oea pwiul Tacchi?
Jancis: H jiucr jhnnji tced ncuqijp.
She laughs
Jancis: I’m not very good though.
She extends a paw.
Tacchip: Flora
He shakes.
Jancis: Thomas Jancis.
Spike: Speak human, you pussies. Hey, the pussy and the cat.
Jancis: (Not looking around) Shut up Spike and go bugger your sister.
Minnie: You better duck!

1) A + B
Jancis ducks as Spike tries to glass him.
Jancis swings back on his chair and into Flora’s arms. She pushes him at the skin head. Jancis falls and strikes out hard with his left fist. Gravity and momentum knocks Spike off his chair. to 2
The glass hits Jancis. He falls face first into the bar. Spike grabs Jancis by hair and prepares to smash him into the bar. to 1A

1A) A
Jancis pushes out with his hands and falls backwards. He and Spike tumble off their chairs. to 2
Spike slams Jancis' head down into the bar. He then pulls him back.
You are given four tries before Jancis is knocked out. You then have to start again.

Jancis rolls and tries to elbow Spike.
Jancis smashes into Spike's face. Spike pushes Jancis to his feet. to 3
Spike headbutts Jancis who staggers backwards. to 4

A woman who can only be Sister Spike stands in the stairway. If there was plastic surgery in this world, she would be a world champion. She looks irate and pouty until a chair almost knocks her down. She flees to her room.

Spike dives at Jancis.

B+A+A+A+B+A + B
Jancis pulls off a perfect handspring and lands on the table. He
stops and looks confused at the camera. He shrugs and lifts a chair over his head. to 5


The two men crash into each other. They wrestle hard but Spike gets the upperhand. He slips his hands around Jancis' neck and begins to squeeze. There is a loud snap.
Want to try again?


Spike throws his barstool
Jancis ducks the stool. He looks smug but doesn’t dodge the punch to the face. to 6
The stool hits Jancis in the forehead.
He drops the chair on top of his head, stunning himself.
to 6

Spike grabs Jancis by his shirt and swings him off the table. Spike brings his arm back to strike.

We’re back to the slightly birdseye view of the bar (which is a mess). Flora and Minnie stay back, both holding broken bottles.
Spike: You’re dead!

Voice: Mr Jancis?
The room’s inhabitants look at the doorway where a small boy now stands.

More than three fails
Jancis doesn't move.
Minnie: Mr Jancis?
Spike shakes the body.
Jancis ragdolls.
Spikes drops the body as quickly as he can and legs it out of the door.
We zoom in on the bloodied body of Jancis.
Do we want to try again?

Less than three Fails
Jancis raises his head weakly.
Jancis: I’m here.
The boy scurries to stand before him.
Boy: I’m sorry to interrupt your bar brawl but I’ve been sent to tell you that if you don’t pay the bet made by your friend, my master is going to snap his neck like the vermin he is.
He sticks out his hand. Jancis looks down and then into the boy’s face. The boy waggles his hand. Jancis sighs and swings back. He brings both feet into Spike’s crotch. He drops to the ground and Jancis lands in a heap. He struggles to his feet and pulls a coin out of his pocket. The boy pockets it.
Boy: You have a day until he's killed.
Jancis nods. The boy leaves. Jancis sighs and collapses.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

1. (The Beginning Cutscene)

This means a cutscene (quality filmfootage)
This is in-game

A man in a cloak is riding on the front of a horse drawn cart through the cobbled streets of a town. The back of the cart is covered in tarp. People stare at him. He raises his hand in greeting.
He stops in a public square that has a wall running along the North and East side. There is a guardtower in the North East corner. A very bored guard looks on as he leans against his pike.
The man gets off the cart and looks up. When he looks down, he bows low to the guard. He then whips off his cloak, to reveal a young, tall man with a dark beard. He is wearing a beret with a badge on it. He draws a rapier and points it at the wall. He barks a command. The back of the cart bursts as young men and woman, all wearing the beret pour out.
The guard whistles in warning before being run through by a rebel who hurries up the tower.

Panning up we hear a bell is ringing.

We cut inside of a locker room. The bell still rings as we zoom along men in various states of dress and preparation. We finally stop as we see a man from behind. We catch a glimpse of dark hair before he lowers a helmet over his head.
He slips on gloves and his boots. He then puts on a dark overcoat. Grabbing his riffle, he slams his locker close.
He runs outside, fastening his chinstrap. Failing, he falls into line with the other soldiers. Apart from their mouths and bumps, it is impossible to tell the soldiers apart. Most are not wearing the coat though. But enough are so that we loose our soldier in the thirty or so soldiers of both sexes.
The bell now stopped ,a commander walks up and down as he briefs them. He then thumps his left hand on his right breast and holds it up in a clenched fist. The others do the same and fall out.
We pan up over the barrack walls to reveal the rebels have blocked the entrances to the square with rubbish and wood to make a barricade.

In the gates of the barrack, the soldier stops to adjust his helmet.
Soldier: Ahh. Fiddly little-
A female soldier in the coat with epaulettes pushes past the soldier. She turns back.
Female Officer: Move it grunt.
She runs off as the soldier salutes.
Soldier: Yes, ma’m!
He runs off.

The rebels stand on the barricades taunting the guards. A red flag has placed at a jaunty angle in the barricade.
The soldiers stop and look up at the rebels. In moments they split into small groups. Most scatter while six stay and aim their riffles at the wall.
A giant of a man stands on the barricade and waves two curved blades at the foe. He is gunned down.
A young man, dressed in rough clothes runs over to him. He shakes him and lowers his head in remorse.

Five soldiers pour onto the screen. They stop
Soldier: What are you doing!
The young man picks up the fallen man’s blades and brandishes them.
He turns on the soldiers.
Young Man: I don’t have to answer to you!
Soldier: Is that so?
They begin to advance. The boy stands his ground but shakes a little.
One soldier swipes at the boy with a bayonet. He counters it and knocks the weapon out of the soldier’s hard.
He doesn’t have a chance to protect himself as a female soldier hits the boy hard in the face with her riffle.
The boy falls and the soldiers kick him off-screen right.

The boy rolls down the barricade and lands in a pile in the streets.
As he struggles to his feet, we see soldiers fighting civilians.

A soldier sees the man struggling.
He turns away and makes a “YES!” move with his left arm
Soldier: Oh boy! My first fight
He turns back.
Soldier: Hey you! STOP!
The boy gets to his feet.
The man walks towards the soldier. He raises his gun.

Soldier: Stay where you are!
The man stands in front of the soldier.
Young Man: Think fast!
The soldier lowers his weapon and cocks his head.
Soldier: Wah?
The man swings and strikes the soldier hard in the chin. The soldier falls to his knees and clutches his chin.
Soldier: *moan*
The soldier gets to his feet hesitantly and straightens.
His helmet clatters to the floor.

From this, we pan up the body to see our foe possess a fine pair of blue eyes and a mop of dark hair. He feels his chin and looks annoyed.

Soldier: You broke my chinstrap.
He points dramatically.
Soldier: Do you know how long it took for me to fix that? You’ll pay!
We enter our first battle. The man is on the left classed as Rioter and the soldier is classed as Soldier.
Soldier: This will teach you respect.
As he is weaponless, Rioter just throws stones. On the other hand Soldier has a bayonet and a riffle.
After three turns, the soldier laughs.

Soldier: Stones? You’re going to stop me with that?
Rioter: No He points behind the soldier With that!
The soldier turns
Soldier: What!?
Rioter runs.
The soldier turns back.
Soldier: ...That’s cheating!
End Battle

The man begins to run down the street. Behind him, the buildings are a-flame. He glances behind him. The soldier is nearly upon him. The young man screeches to a stop. The soldier leaps on him. They fall to the ground, punching and scratching.
They both begin to choke each other. They roll on the ground. The young man ends up on top and begins to push down. His eyes blaze with anger. The soldier’s hand flux wildly.
A soldier tumbles off the barricade and lands next to them, the curved blades stuck out his back.

The two warriors look at the body, shocked.
Young Man: Bloody Hell!
Soldier: Holy Crap!
They look at each other.
Young Man: Truce?
Soldier: Truce
They let go off each other and get to their feet. They brush themselves off and stretch.
Young Man: Good fight.
Soldier: Same.
Young Man: They teach you that in the army?
The soldier shrugs.
Soldier: My eyes are enticing.
Young Man: …
Soldier: Communal showers
The young man laughs.
The Soldier salutes like we saw in the training ground.
Soldier: Private Thomas Jancis. But you can call me Jancis.
The man mimics the salute
Young Man: Kieran Allen, Freeman. You can call me Kieran.
Jancis shakes his head.
Jancis: No chance. You’re Kiki now.
Kiki pulls the blades from the man and wipes them on the corpse.
Jancis: You’re going to use those?
Kiki: No. I’m just nicking things…OF COURSE, I’M GOING TO USE THEM!!!
Jancis: No need to shout.
Jancis walks to the top of screen and looks around.
Jancis: Anyway. I’m getting out of here.
He looks back at Kiki
Jancis: You coming?
Kiki: Back to your army base!? No chance!
Jancis shakes his head.
Jancis: Nah. I quit. Didn’t join to get chocked.
He points in front of him
Jancis: Let’s go get a drink.

They walk off as the camera rises to show the town of Yardale. Most of the south quarter is ablaze and the barricades are obvious.
As we raise higher we see the logo:

over the setting sun.

Monday, January 01, 2007

The Last Stand

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It had gone from bad to worse.
Sarah had been struck down twenty minutes ago, the words of the King Penguin Summon on her lips.
All around the ‘Verse the Pengui tribe began to weep and fall over in sorrow.

Kiki had fallen to their foe’s “Glass Attack”. At present, thousands of shards of coloured glass were wedged deep beneath his skin.
They looked so peaceful with their lifeforce gone. Not a scar upon them. So nice!

Thomas sighed and wished he had found time to write in his journal before the battle. There would be no memory of their party. The world would have to move on or fall into darkness.
“Oh well. At least I’m wearing brown trousers,” he murmured.
YoU cAn GiVe Up NoW jAnCiS! the creature moaned. YoUr FrIeNdS aRe SlAiN! KnEeL bEfOrE mE!
Jancis wiped his hands on his jeans and glared over his shades at the beast.
“I would love to use some amazing speech that will rally the troops. But I’m tired, so I’m just going to summon my summon and we’re going to end this!”

He threw his blade high into the air. Jancis got a strong burning behind his eyes. The world swam. Suddenly he snapped into a small book-lined study. An old man with a large moustache was sitting in a snug armchair. He looked up at Jancis and smiled apologetically.
“I’m tired. Come back later”
Jancis’ eyes bulged in terror
With a flash, he was back in the battle.

The boss grined it’s sardonic grin.
YoU’rE gOdS hAvE lEfT yOu! NoW pRePaRe To DiE!!!!

Thomas closed his eyes.
“Leaf on the wind. Leaf on the-” he whispered.
The mutant claw crashed through the front of Jancis’ body. It slowly began to open wider and wider until his sweet, sweet lifefluids poured down the bosses’ arm.
Sedated, the creature dropped Jancis back into his chosen sport.

Jancis flopped to the ground, his eye rolling into the back of his head.
He let a slow death rattle and then was still.

Everything goes black