Tuesday, January 23, 2007

3. (The Pre-Fight)

Third person means it’s just done by the game.
First is what we can control.

The screen is black
Jancis: Well that could have gone better.
Jancis: I think I might be dead.
A small pinpoint of light appears in the middle of the screen.
Jancis: Hello?
It grows bigger.
Jancis: Jesus?
And bigger.
Jancis: Buddha?
It is nearly filling the screen.
Jancis: Spiderman?
We see things from Jancis’ shaded view. Minnie is kneeling over him. She is rubbing a cloth over his forehead. She’s rather closer then you would expect.
Jancis: Aughk.
Minnie falls back on her heels, smiling.
Minnie: You feeling better?
Jancis: *Aughk? Am I brain-dead? I hope not.*
Minnie: Would like to have some of my soup?
Jancis: Yabara.
Jancis: *NOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE SOUP!*
Minnie pours some soup down Jancis’ throat, healing him like food does.
Jancis: *cough* I’m alright.
Jancis: *Too…much…salt!*
As he coughs, he looks down at his legs.
We’re now back in the barroom. Jancis is on the floor without trousers. He looks as if he’s only wearing a long shirt. A small attempt has been made to tidy up the mess. Spike and Flora are gone.
Jancis looks up from his legs.

Jancis: Did you have to take my trousers?
Minnie: You might have crushed something! I had to check.
Jancis: *Yep, I’m defiantly getting out of this place*
Jancis: Thank you for that. Now I’m going to save my buddy, like a good guy.
He gets to his feet and reaches for the sheath on his belt. He touches the spot of couple of times.
Jancis: Where’s my BFB?
Minnie: Your what?
He looks up.
Jancis: Oh. It means.
Jancis rubs the back of his head, embarrassed.
Jancis: Um.
He looks around the room quickly.
Jancis: Where did you say my trousers are?
Minnie: I’m cleaning them.
Jancis looks slightly appalled. Minnie shrugs.
Minnie: They had blood on them.
Jancis limps over to one of the chairs and sits down. He rubs his face, tired.
Jancis: How long was I out?
Minnie: Ten minutes.
Jancis: Where did Spike go?
Minnie: Me and that cat friend of yours throw him in the pigsty. He won’t be bothering you again. Then she saw something and run off. Probably a bird or something.
Jancis: Yeah. Um.
A small bell rings. Minnie walks over to the oven and opens the oven. She pulls Jancis’ jeans out of them.
Jancis: You cooked my trousers?
Minnie: Yeah, I put them in the trough and then I needed to dry them.
Jancis: Maybe you should leave them to dry outside.
Minnie: You sure? It’s a very good oven
Jancis: I am very, very, VERY, sure I don’t want you cooking my trousers.
Minnie: Well, okay then.

You get to your feet.
Try to go out the door
Jancis: Yeeeeeah. I’m not keen on going outside without trousers on.
Look in the mirror
Jancis: You know the most impressive thing is that I got smashed in the face that many times yet the glasses remain unbroken. Very cool.
Head up the stairs
Jancis climbs up the stairs. He begins to turn up the stairs. Suddenly Spike’s door flies open. The girl charges out of the room, the blade brandished over her head. She screams as she heads towards him. Jancis just sidesteps to the right. She keeps going and smashes through the banister. The blade embeds itself in the wall. Jancis looks as if this is just one more thing in a long line of hookers trying to cleave him in two.
Minnie: DAMN IT JANCIS! STOP BREAKING MY SHIT!
Jancis leans over the barrier.
Jancis: Sorry Min!
Go to the door on the far left.
Jancis: It’s Kieran’s room. As much as I would love to break his stuff I think I have better things to do.

Go to the middle door
Jancis: The door is open…and has smoke pouring out of it.
Turns to the camera
Jancis: Don’t do drugs kids

Jancis: Do I really want to go in?
Yes
Jancis: Fine. I’ll just not inhale.
The room is full of smoke. Two beds are visible through the gloom. A beam of light can be seen on the right.
Walk towards the light
As you head over towards the light, Jancis stumbles and hits the wall. The window’s catch snaps and the windows open. The smoke begins to clear. We now see the room is a mess. The beds are wrecked and underwear and bottles are everywhere. There are two large leather jackets. One has SWEET MOTHER FU picked out in studs. We presume the rest of the studs have fallen off.
The other has
BABY BRANDY in studs.
Look at the Brandy coat
Jancis: I shouldn’t really but-
YOU GOT 30 GOLD
YOU GOT A ROOM KEY
Look at the Jackson coat
Jancis: There’s a lighter, a condom and a cheese sandwich. I don’t smoke or eat other people’s food. The condom smells of curry. I don’t want it either.

Jancis: Right, I’ve nicked enough stuff. Apart from the free scripture. You can never have enough of that! I’m going to lock this place up.
He walks back into the corridor and locks the door behind him.

Go back into your room
We’re back in his room.
Make your bed.
Screen goes to black. When we come back, the bed is tidy.
Jancis: Mum would be so proud of me.
Close the door
The closed door reveals a pair of brown trousers.
Jancis: They’ll do.
Jancis slips the trousers on.
YOU GOT SOME STICKS OF GUM
Jancis: Neato. It’s time to rescue Keek!

Did you steal the room key?
No

Jancis: She’s left her door open. I better check if she’s left anything worth taking.
Things continue as above.

Yes.
You begin to walk down the stairs. Jancis pulls the blade out of the wall.
YOU GOT YOUR BIG F***ING BLADE BACK,
Jancis: I wish I knew how she got you away from me.

You continue into the barroom. It’s tidier. Brandy is slumped over the bar, drinking a green drink from a wineglass. Minnie looks up from cleaning a glass.
Minnie: You broke my banister.
Jancis: And a window catch.
She almost drops the glass.
Minnie: WHAT!?
Jancis: Was broken when I found it!
Minnie: You do realise that this is all going on your bill.
Jancis gestures at Brandy who glares at him.
Jancis: What about the skinheads? Don’t they have to pay?
Minnie: They’re providing me with weed.
Jancis raises an eyebrow.
Minnie: Purely for health purposes.
Brandy: Don’t expect any more now!
Jancis: Look! I’m sorry I crunched your boyfriend/brother’s goolies and I’m sorry you thought you could kill me with my own weapon that you stole from me. But-
He stops and thinks.
Jancis: I don’t have a point!

Talk to Brandy.
Brandy: Don’t talk to me, you dog-faced loser.
Jancis: Yeah, well…your breasts are wonky!
Brandy: Whatever.
Jancis makes the “Bo-ya!” arm movement.
Jancis: *Jancis for the win!*

Talk to Minnie.
Jancis: Can I have a drink Min?
Minnie: No.
Jancis: Ah, come on. Barfights happen. Things break. That’s life.
Minnie: Not in Krakis it ain’t! Now get your buddy, pay your bills and get out.
Walk out the door.
Minnie: Jancis. Don’t forget the mayor wants to see you! The soon you’re finished the sooner you can leave.
Jancis walks into the street. The door slams behind him.
Jancis: Bitch.
KRAKIS
The streets of Krakis are pretty empty. One old woman is looking up on the roof of a house. To the left is a shed.

Talk to the woman
Woman: My cat has escaped. Have you seen my Snowbell?
No
Jancis: No. Sorry.
Woman: Oh, Snowbell.
Tigerstriped? About 5.4? Wearing a blue vest?
Woman: …Are you mocking me? You should respect your elders!
Look into the shed.
Spike is slowly sinking into the swill, watched by three rotund piggies.
Jancis: You know I really should be sad that a fellow human being is drowning in pigshit but I can’t be bothered.

Head into town.
You begin to head to down off-screen. Just before you leave, a bird drops from the air. It becomes to stagger before collapsing.
Jancis: Stoned bird. Huh.
A white cat leaps on it from the rooftop and begins to eat.
Jancis: Snowbell?
The cat looks up, shakes and falls over.
Jancis: You’re nicked, me lovie.
Black.
We see the old lady coo as she strokes her cat. The cat is slightly zonked.

Woman: Where did you find him?
Jancis: I’m a cat person. They find me.
Woman: Do
Jancis: I’ve always wanted to. It’s up there with wanting to have an otter or have sex with a dolphin. But below learning how to fly without wings.
Woman:…Just take the bloody diary will you?
Jancis: Yes, Ma’m.
YOU GOT A DIARY: YOU CAN NOW SAVE.
Jancis: Thank God. About time too!

You head down off the screen. There are a few people walking around. They really don’t have anything worth listening to. So let’s just skip ahead to Jancis’ entering the dojo.

Jancis walks into the dojo. His blade is drawn and he looks around nervously.
The room is surrounded by cases full of weapons. Of course there are Easter Eggs here. Gunblades and the like. Very pleasing. Too bad you can’t see it.
Thomas whips off his sunglasses. His right eye is full of blood. Clearly the damage got past the glasses. Quickly he puts them back on.
He nods quietly to himself. He looks up into the camera.
We pan around to see Mr Craig walk in with his quarterstaff. Kieran walks behind him, eating some cake and carrying some tea.


The two fighters bow. Thomas comes up first.
Jancis: You alright?
Kiki: Apart from the threat of necking snapping. You?
Jancis: I’ve trashed the inn in a barfight.
Kiki: Again!?
Jancis: I’m fight-prone!
Mr Craig: I do not believe we have meet.
Jancis does the salute.
Jancis: I’m Jancis and you are the man the locals know as Teacher. You take challenges for money. As far as I know you haven’t been beaten.
Mr Craig: I haven’t.
Jancis: I’m here to pay for the life of my travelling companion.
Mr Craig: You have the money then?
Jancis: I have a bet for you. Double or Nothing.
Kieran smacks his forehead.
Mr Craig: I’d rather have the money.
Thomas tilts his blade in the air.
Jancis: You know what this is? This is a BFB. You don’t see many of these type. Sure you see the meat cleavers and broadswords. But the curved blades? Those are rare. These are things are beauty. These parry and disarm rather then carve
He looks around the room until stopping on a pair of curved blades hanging from hooks.
Jancis: I see you have my friend’s hookblades as well. These three blades are worth three times more then our stupid lives.
Mr Craig: What’s your point?
Jancis: Me and you. Man to man. If I win, you return my friend and his items. You win and you keep the weapons.
Mr Craig: Agreed.
Thomas brandishes his blade before himself.
Jancis: So, you know how to insult swordfight?
Mr Craig: No.
Thomas lowers the weapon, shocked.
Jancis: You don’t?
Craig limbers up.
Mr Craig: No.
Thomas behind himself, nervously. He turns back with a nervous smile.
Jancis: Um, would you like to learn?
Mr Craig: I fight with a staff. I don’t need to use words to hurt.
Jancis: How about a footrace? You want a footrace?
Mr Craig: Enough of this. Let’s fight!

4 comments:

Sarah said...

wow, I'm actually kind of getting this...
and why is Craigy the bad guy, surely there are worse people we all know who could fit into that character? On the other hand, I have never been taught by Craigy, so have no recognition of his characteristics or whether he is a bad person or whatever...
Hmmm, I think that was a long enough comment... BYE! (for now...)

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

For the humour of Mr Craig (an ex-reverend) beating Kieran up with a rod.

Sarah said...

see, I wouldn't have known about the ex-reverend thing, making the whole story ironic...

Mark said...

He's an ex reverend *allegedly*. He also stole and burnt documents from the Vatican's secret vault, had tea with Cliff Richard, has a massively rich father, about 15 brothers and sisters all of which can teach us a different moral lesson *and* he could have been in the England Cricket team. Allegedly.