Monday, February 23, 2009

Jancis Deals With Grief in His Inevitable Style

So I’ve been trying to write something here. But the words aren’t coming.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired.
Maybe it’s because I have a lot of bottled up feelings.
Who knows?
So I’m not going to try and be smart or ordered. This is going to be a bit of a flowing post. Excuse the strange grammar and logical leaps.

Just get it onto virtual paper.

Suffice to say, one week ago I found out that my Grannie had died in her sleep. She was 83. My mother come to see her and found her in her bed.
The plan was from her to come see my halls on the Tuesday.

Now the weird thing is how “okay” I am. No. Not OKAY. That’s stupid. My Grandmother is gone.

But I know she wouldn’t want me to stop doing what I’m doing or to have a breakdown.

New Years 2000, she almost died of pneumonia. So I feel that I have had an extra nine years.
On Boxing Day I thought ‘We got through Christmas with all grandparents. Let’s see what the new year brings us.’
I talked to her a few weeks ago. She seemed fine. I got to say I loved her.
There was no way any of us could have ‘got there earlier’ or ‘saved her’.
She went to bed on Friday and didn’t get up in the morning. She died in her own home in her own bed. I feel that’s best.

I am not a huge fan of the clichéd emotions. Of course I’m hurting. I’ve lost the only person beside my mother to understand me during my dark hours. And I mean lost. I would love to think she’s watching over me. But I can’t.

Last year, I said goodbye to my mother. I said I didn’t know what would happen to me when I went to Uni. I could burn to death in a house fire, fall down some stairs, get mugged. And if a double decker bus crashes into us? You get the point. Anyway, I said ‘I will say goodbye and I love you now. Then you know we’re good. No ‘If only I had rung earlier’. Know I love you. And visa versa.’ So we’ve said our goodbyes. It’s wrong and macabre but I did it all the same.

I guess it’s the snap nature of it really. One day I have a Grannie. The next, not so much.
I haven’t had to go to the house or have to deal with the moving of papers or anything.
It’s surreal and slightly unconnected.

But everyone’s going ‘You okay?’ And I have to go ‘Yeah, weirdly. Live my life. Be glad she saw me start to do something I love. Be glad I had the extra time with her.’

What else can I say?
I am going to miss her and I’m glad I knew her.
Sorry this seems slightly weird. It’s just too big a thing to leave unblogged.

2 comments:

Big Sal said...

*Sympathy*

Glad you're doing ok.

Sarah said...

Big hugs Jancis :)