Wednesday, December 17, 2008

For Mama Sal

So it seems I made a promise that I failed to uphold.
It is my duty to avenge the wrong I have done.

This is for you, Pat.

Dr Jancis’ Guide to Not Licking Things: Volume 31: Cats

Before we start we must get a few things straight.
Life.
It’s bigger.
It’s bigger then you.
And you are not me.

That done, we can get onto the matters at hand.
The reasons one should not apply salivated linguas to felines.

When I used the example of this, I was using it as an example of self evident things. It is evident that the internet has little privacy and it is evident that licking cats is foolish.
Yet curious minds wish to know reasons for this.

We must note the existence of fleas. There is a reason that cats must continuously lick themselves. That is fleas. The cat needs to keep washing. If they don’t, the fleas were bury deep into their bodies. Bury deep into their soft supple flesh. Bury and wait. Just wait for its moment to burst forth from the skin. To burst forth and claim its next victim.

You itching?
You shouldn’t be.
I mean you didn’t put your mouth near that cat did you?
You were smart and listened to old Jancis didn’t you?
You didn’t put your mouth near that kitten?
Didn’t feel the slight twinge as a mite leapt from the creature’s back and landed on your tongue?
Didn’t feel it slowly travel down your gullet, throwing out its eggs as it fell?
Didn’t wait knowing that they await the time, slowly heated by your warm body?
Didn’t feed it Christmas dinner and mulled wine so it may grow big and strong?
Did you?

So you shouldn’t be itching.
Because you listened to me.
Didn’t you?


Okay, Pat. Hope that answered your question.
Come back next time for more fun Jancis fun!

8 comments:

Kieran said...

I'm curious, Professor Jancis-sensei. Does this rule apply also to catgirls? Or people dressed at cats? What about licking fleas directly? What if it's a bald cat? Why are drugs bad? and why do I tingle below the belt?

Jonathan said...

Thanks, that's important information to know. I always had a feeling there was something about licking cats that seemed like a bad idea, but I couldn't quite lay a finger on it. You have answered my unspoken questions!

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

Okay. Here I go.
1) Catgirls= You have more things to worry about with catgirls then fleas. AVOID.
2) Same with furries. Bloody furries and their desires to be animals.
3) If you lick the fleas directly, you might crush it with your tongue releasing their consumed flesh into you. If done right, this can be full of sexy fun.
4) Bald cats should be better to lick. The lack of hair makes the fleas easier to spot. So lick carefully and make it happier. Really anything with alopecia needs as much as it can get.
5) Drugs cost a lot of money and will make you think you're funnier then you are.
6) You have crabs

Big Sal said...

Never let it be said that Janman doesn't listen to his readers. I'd listen to my readers, but they never say anything :(
What's that? You never comment because I post so rarely? Well, I'll have you know that I'm going to post tonight. Maybe. I've got revise first. And Sarah's coming over. But I'll definitely post at some point. Perhaps.

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

I think you just summed up why you don't post as much as me.

You have a Sarah.
*single tear drips down his face*
Oh but I'll get one one day. And then I will be complete. COMPLETE!
*high note* COOOOOOOMPLETE!


(Jancis the Musical: Coming Soon.)

Jonathan said...

Don't worry Janman, women are a lot of work.
Never become one.

Sarah said...

You're not going to 'get a Sarah' in the same way Billie Piper 'got a Doctor' are you? 'Coz I have to say that it's scary enough having me around, let alone another one of me.
David Tennant on the other hand is a different matter entirely...

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

Jancis: Alright, both of you, answer me this. When I last stood in this Game Room, on the four hundred and eighty seventh worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me? Go on, say it.
RealSarah: I said ‘Jancis’.
Jancis: Yeah?...and how was that sentence gonna end?
RealSarah: Does it need saying?
Jancis: New Sarah, what was the end of that sentence?
[NewSarah whispers to him. Jancis pauses.]
Jancis: No…God no! Jeez. Man, you regenerated wrong. [He backs away] I’m going.
Man.
[The Sarah’s stand in silence. Eventually Real Sarah turns.]
Real Sarah: Want to make out?
[They do. It’s awesome.]