Saturday, December 02, 2006

John Godber's Teechers: When the Door Rang: A Rope Of Sand

I stand in the corner of the staff room, glaring at my target. I will advance until I stand behind him and use such cutting words that his tiny mind will bubble out of his ears.
I smirk for this is a good plan. Nay, it is a Good Plan.

As I begin to walk, a fopheaded teacher tries to engage me in inane chatter. I headbutt him. It seems like it’s the right thing.
My target stands with his back to me, yet at a slight angle. He’s talking to a woman that appears to be wearing pyjamas and boots for kicking frogs.

I pass the pastel dresses and blatherings of my colleagues. Just a patch of empty floor and then I may deliver my line.
As I step into the space, an implike creature leaps at me, like some mutant marshrat. It is wearing a chain belt in what can only be described as a chastity protecting style.
I was later to learn this was Geegor Idlum.
It leers at me and raised the tray it carries.
‘Would you like some pommange, maaaaaaster?’ the creature whines.
My steely facade begins to break.
The creature opens it’s mouth and makes the noise of a dying albatross with the flu.

That’s it. We do the unthinkable.
We corpse.

Like that, we’re back in a small theatre room. It’s a Wednesday, around three. We’re missing about three of the cast due to it being a Wednesday and also flu season. We have 15 days to go.
The woman still looks like a genie on its day off.

‘Jordan, I’m going to f***ing kill you.’ I dive at him. He jumps back. We’re both laughing.

‘Right, do it again.’ Boss yells at us.
Ignoring this, (she loves it when you do that. She just hides it well) I pull out my weather beaten notebook, making sure to avoid a certain double page spread and find a clean page.

I scribble TEACHERS, my mind correcting the deliberate typo.
‘I’m going to put that article, you know?’ I laugh.
Jordan makes the noise again.

And I did. Good times.
-----
When Miss Mason told us she wasn’t going to be such a hands-on director, she wanted us to act the mature actors she knew we were. But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want." (Double quote score!)
We screamed, we ranted, we told to people to insert objects in uncomfortable places. Everyone claimed that this play would be our doom. In years to come, employers and potential partners would smell the failure on us and we’d have to live on Saint Helena, eating our frog killing boots.
I made noncommittal noises and tried to stop Boss from breaking necks. It didn’t work and we had to recast but that’s the risk of live theatre. The Co-Director might kill you.
But it hasn’t all been deaths and Gollum/Igor love childen! (All though they were very good!)

Here are some of the bestest moments!
The Tightest of Pants
First up we have everyone’s favourite gay teacher/gimp Mr Fisher and in particular the BUDGY HUGGERS!
Yes, these truly were the tightest of pants.
Ladies and girls all fell prostrate before these babies.
But did you know they weren’t the first choice?
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/NYLON-Sports-PE-Football-Shorts-Gay-Interest-Small
These were for sell on Ebay. How were they classified?
NYLON Sports/PE/Football Shorts Gay Interest
I think that sums up the character don’t you? They’re sports. Football. Oh and if you’re gay, you might be interested!
I still feel that the Boss just wanted to play dress up with dear ol' Sour Puss.

Best Bit: On MSN Hman was moaning about it's slightly ironic that more thought has gone into my costume then prob any one elses yet i think i have the 2nd-3rd(ish) smallest part.
So I stated the facts simply and to the point.
Look, you're Boss' boytoy. Just go with the flow and let her play doll with you.
There was quiet.
So I broke it down for him.
Trust me. Next thing she'll want to pad out the crotch and cut the ass out of the back "for humour".
He needed a liedown. Just too much sexy.
ETA: Some blaggard has pilfered the shorts! SWINE!
James’ Talks
There was a time when I thought I was going to be writing for the Voice about this whole play. But no! I’m to be content that I have a blog and a part in the play! WOO FREAKING OOO!
Anyway, back when I thought I was doing something, I interviewed a few of the actors for the article.
Actually, knowing how very…unsubtle I am maybe it was best I didn’t write for the local rag, what with the easily upset feelings of the locals.
I’ve already been run out of four towns.
As I was saying, I taped some of the interviews.
But as I was doing this, James (who dies if no one looks at him. Very sad) began to interview those haven’t had a part in the play.
Like a baby on crack, he rushed around, leaping chairs and sticking his Dictaphone under noses.
He even yelled at the Year 12’s to be quiet.
They all fell instantly in love.
But that’s a story for the “Humorous Rape Stories” post.

Best Bit: Young Thomas Cuthburt Harman learns there has been no such thing as a Bobbi!
Hman: Who’s been giving lifts home?
Jancis: No one. You sleep in the ditch. It’s cold so we cuddle togther and whisper our secrets to each other.
Beat of uncomfortable flashbacks.
It’s called spooning!
Then if there’s no Bobbi, who’s been running the play?
ME! *evil grin* WITH SPOONS!
Fanning: I'M NOT WEARING ANY TROUSERS!.....THAT IS ALL!
My Time Out of the Spotlight
Now if anyone has talked to me about the play will know this story.
In the disco scene, Nixon is commentating on the bootylicious pupils and says And only Mr Basford seemed unmoved by the gyrating bottoms and boobs.
See now after he said Mr Basford I should have been hit by a spotlight so I could act unmoved. (Wasn’t hard. HAVE YOU SEEN THE PUPILS! Not a looker among them. Arrrgh. [That better be sarcasm!])
I do. Audience laughes. We move on.
Rehearsal. Fine.

First night: Nothing. We freeze and Fanning carries on slightly knocked.
We all laugh about and ask Lewis to sort next time.
He agrees.

Second night: Nip
After the show, we kick the hell out of Louie and tell him he better have it for the Thursday or dear mama Lewis might fall out of an airplane onto a lightning rod, capiche?

Thursday.
Lewis turns up plastered. George mentions it and gets punched for his trouble. Of course Lewis isn’t drunk. Nope not him. Oh look he’s fallen over and broke the fridge. Happens all the time.
And now he needs to have a nap.
No Louie, go work on the lights. You can have a nap in the interval.

Come the moment and….YES! THE LOVABLE WHORE’S DONE IT! HE’S DONE IT. I bathe in the golden glow.
Dr Jancis told me that I looked so happy but stern.
Just before the lights dim, I nod my approval.

Mama Lewis sees another dawn.

Best Bit: Give you three guess. Yes, that’s right. The drunk Lewis is a much better lightman then sober Lewis!
Jack Fanning Does The Sting
Now we actor types are a pretty useless breed of men and ladymen. We’re like airline pilots. We can get drunk on the job.
But that’s beside the point.
My point was we are supposedly smart. But we need to be told how to talk and when. And if we don’t have anyone, we cry like wee bairns.

Now who’s seen that great crime film ‘The Sting’….anyone?
Fine. Anyone seen Hustle?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow. Um…good for you.
Well, the pilot pretty much stole the plot of The Sting.
In “The Sting”, the crooks have to communicate with gestures. ‘Cause it’s sneaky!

I’m going to let you in on a secret of mine. It’s also a secret of the great John C. McGinley.
A tap to the left side of the nose with the forefinger curled means “Danger. NOT SAFE”.
What does Dr Cox do when he’s pissed off? THE NOSE TAP!
WOOOO! I’M SO COOL AND INDIVUAL I APPEAR TO BE RIPPING OFF TWO SEPRATE GENRES! WOOOO!

Back to the point, one rehearsel young Jack Percival Fanning came to me and claimed he was forgeting his lines in one of our scenes. Could I help him?

Firstly, Fanning, you iz a pussy (Don’t make start on the whole “if you haven’t got one, you can’t say it”. Because I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!)

So, I drew from my twisted mind and pulled out the Tap.
So after teaching Fanning the signal was not to punch himself in the face and can he stop that as the audience don't want to look at his broken visage, thank you, it became cannon.

And now, when you rewatch the Nixon VS Basford scene (DVDs £6.99 from the back of Lunn’s bike) watch Fanning tap his nose as he forgets yet another line. And know you can now be smug on two accounts.

Best Bit: Jancis uses the Sting’s nose tap as does John C. McGinley who was in Born on the Fourth of July (1989) with Beau Starr . He was in in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with….KEVIN BACON!!!!
Jancis= 3 Bacon Points
You Know This Is My First Time. Be Gentle
After the play we were all going to sample some curry in the curryhouse. But how to arrive? On foot? Or leap into Jordan’s car with Bolias and George. Now the car jouney was an intresting one. I might have got a bit excited.
Now I might, and this is a might, have said the following.
CAR! CAR! CAR! CAR!
I'VE BEEN IN A CAR BEFORE!
LOOK! I’M IN A CAR!

All these before Jordan almost ran someone over. That quieted us down a little. Enough blood had already been spilt in this play.
Best Bit:
Jord: He’s like a dog.
George: Dogs don’t talk.
Bolais: In Jancis’ world they do!
Jancis:CAR!
Sober And I’m Already Falling Down
Did I mention Jordan has a small car? And you all got out through one small door? And I’m very tall and big? Did I mention it was a small hole?

Yeah well. I faceplanted on the road. They found it funny. I did as well. You have to really.
Best Bit: It’s not a good Drama performance if I don’t get hit in the face at least once. By Jordan no less.
Bobbi Plays Howard Dean To Great Acclaim
‘ We have made this wonderful play! And this makes us mighty! We're taking this to the local talent show, then we're going to the Fringe and then we're making the movie! GAGAGA!’
Is it JorCis or JanDan?
Bennet: you failed to mention the vital part, the part where you did a sobreity(?) test on Jordan in Revs? Remember? We all do. It was priceless!
Forget? How could I? So this is the tale of the sobriety test.
I had escaped the amorous advances of the skinheads and so decided to chill with me homies.
Let me think who was there:
*Bennet
*Mark
*Hman
*Jordan (duh)
*Bobbi (but she was busy with some young men so I don't know if she saw)
*Chloe
Anyway, Jordan was leaning against the wall by the TV, his normal shiteater grin shinning from booze.
Jancis: You're drunk.
Jord: No, I'm dot!
Which I think proves my point.
I tried to argue but then he said the two words that doom most men.
Jord: Prove it!
I could say he had "come hither" eyes or partially puckered lips. But no. I'm just sadistic, that's all. And the knowledge that he would spend the next few days wondering what he did to make me do that.
So I kissed him hard on the lips. Didn't stick my tongue in though. Last time I did that, I was spitting flesh and blood for a few hours.
His eyes turned huge and cowlike before he pushed me back.
I winked and walked away at that point, like the best lover. Always leave them wanting!
Now anyone who says silence is just a lack of sound is an idiot. Because I was followed by a wave of confused silence.
I looked out the window, knowing I had made another moment for the "Hey, do you remember?" party.
Best Bit: He tasted of booze and strawberries! Just like Wimbledon!
No Harman! Not In The Churchyard!
Hman tried to piss on a tombstone until we stopped him. Did I mention he's a funny but evil drunk?
Does She Have A Licence…Or Any Idea How To Drive?
So after Hman had relieved himself WHILST singing, we see a car crawl past.
Ah, we think, there goes Jordan…who’s in the passenger seat. Then who was driving.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the worst) here were our thoughts:
Jordan’s not driving 4
Who is? 1
Rai! 2
Can she see over the wheel? 6
Does she have a licence? 8
AND WHY THE FUCK ARE THE TAILIGHTS OFF!? 10
Oh shit, we’re going to loose Rai and Jordan in one horrific crash. 42
Not again! 45 to the power of pi
But they didn't dies. Which is nice.
Best Bit:The non deaths of my friends was a good part of the evening.
A Poem By A Drunk
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m no good at rhyming
Get me into bed
LEWIS WOOD: 30/11/06

I never said it was going to be a good poem!
And The Oscar Goes To:
I had to put this one in.
It was the Saturday after the play. The family were enjoying a sport of tucker.
Ma: You were all good.
Jancis: Cheers Mumsy. Anyone particular?
Well you.
Of course. *Laugh to make it seem less egotistical*
Then we- Actually do you want to know did the best acting in the whole play?
(Note: Mum went to all three performances. Yes, she loves me THAT much!)
*Realises that she’s already mentioned him* Yeah?
Bobbi’s acting surprised over the flowers. That really impressed me.
You…liked her bulgy fish eyes?
If you want to put it that way *Sip of tea*
Jancis Jnr: Oh THAT’S Bobbi!
Best Bit: If I was someone different I would say my Mum was a stone cold bitch. But I wuv my Mummy so I won’t…Can I have my bedroom door back now?

You Have Been Weighed, You Have Been Measured And You Have Been Found Most Wanting
I’m going to talk about the large board that was hoisted up next to my desk. It was poster board size and had all the best pun names on the “register”.
No one knew who made it. Maybe it was the Drama pixies. Just in case we put it up. You do not want pissed pixies especially Drama ones!

They were pretty innocuous puns: Terresa Green (that one took Hman ages to work out), Mary Christmas (Isn’t that Mrs Claus’ name anyway?). The normal cracker puns.
There was one that baffled me though.
Let’s enter my memory to relive this fine piece of history.

She ran her tongue across her teeth as he slowly undid his belt.
“So what did you think?” he asks.
“It’ll do me well.”
Jancis slinked in between the covers.
“Then let us begin.”
And begin they did.

Um…different memory!

SCENE: A lunchtime rehearsal in C3.
Standing around are Jancis and Hman and others. The Register leans against the far wall. People enter and notice the poster.

Everyone: What’s that? Where’s it going to go? Is this going to be a long rehearsal?
Hman walks over to the board. He reads.
Hman: The Rees O’Grin?
Jancis walks up after him.
Jancis: Trees a’ Green.
Hman: Oh.
Jancis: What’s that one? Willam Warmer?
Steve enters
Steve: Hey guys.
Hman: Oh hi Steve.
Jancis: I say Steve, that is one fine shirt you’re wearing. The red matches your bloodshot eyes.
Steve: Why thank you Jancis. My girlfriend gave it to me. You know I live for her.
Hman: Indeed we do. But you were saying something, Jancis?
Jancis: I was. Would someone care to explain William Warmer?
Steve: I believe it’s a pun off Willy Warmers.
Jancis: But why the subtle turn for the one pun? The others just bulldoze their way through the joke!
Steve: Shrugs Uninventive pixies.
A light falls on Steve.
And that’s why we’re not allowed to talk about Steve. Poor Steve. He was never a good actor. Good kisser though.
He StOoD In OuR WaY! We OnLy WaNt ThE ChoOsEn ChIlD! sHe WoUlD lOvE oUr PuNs!
Best Bit: Waking up on the Saturday with the perfect name that should have been up there. That name was this: Eilleen Bachendoit

2 comments:

Thief said...

An awesome blog Princess. The play sounded possitively interesting, or at least mildly so. Though I don't think it was right to expose the children to All The Sex...

Sarah said...

I'm laughing so much!
Good times, eh?
I remember seeing you in Jordan's car anyway...
But you failed to mention the vital part, the part where you did a sobreity(?) test on Jordan in Revs?
Remember?
We all do. It was priceless!
Anyway, good story telling and it's nice to read your scribbles again!