Sunday, February 10, 2008

Update with Guest Star Faith Lehane

Good day to you all on this warm February day. I’m writing this in my room where you either boil to death or freeze depending on the window is closed or opened. Of course the people across from the window have decided to teach the kid to play basketball and so I have to master the KAMPUMPT of the ball as the kid hits the garage.

So what have I am up to, I hear you cry.
Well, the university has…actually I have a better idea.

FAITH!
“What?”
I need you.
“Bet you do big boy. So what we doing?”
I’m telling my friends what happened with universities.
“Cool.”
So when I give you the signal, say your catchphrase.
“Sure.”
So I went to the final interview and so lucky me I’m (now)

“I have a catchphrase?”
Yeah. You know-
“I like chains?”
No.
“Eat me big boys?”
Nooo. The one which people don’t really know what it means.
“Nope. Not getting ya.”
Five by five.
“Oh that catchphrase.”
...
“…?”
Well?
“What?”
You not going to say it?
“You just did.”
I want you to say it.
“Why?”
It’s your line.
“You ruined it!”
Look, I don’t think anyone cares about the joke. It was a mistake. Just go back into my mind.
“Fine. Catch you later T.”
See you in another lifetime, sister.
Faith everyone. One of the only people to become less trampy when she became evil.
“I’m still here!”

Ignore her. So yeah. I’ve got unconditional offers for all five universities. The world is my bitch.
“I thought I was your-”
Faith, I’m not joking. I’m trying to tell people about my life and I can’t have you innuendoing everything.
“But I’m bored. All the pool cues broke and we don’t have the change for the arcade.”
Look I’m struggling enough with the little git bang around outside. I just need to do this. What must I do to make you leave alone for half an hour?
“Put me in a story.”
Fine. You’re the attractive dark haired girl with the leather jacket in the third case.
“But I-”
GO!

Jeez. Don’t you hate it when fictional characters pester you for work? Worse then actors.

Right. Yeah. I’ve got to go on a few “make up your mind days” and choose before the end of March.
But of course try to explain to them that the reason you’re not pulling triple backflips is that the Chaos theory haunts you in your sleep.
If I go to A I don’t meet B when she falls from a second story window. Thus I don’t take her out to get a drink and I don’t meet C. And C and me go on to make a comedy troop that makes the Pope award us with knighthoods.
Like he does.
So they say ‘You’re quite a character aren’t you?’ and ‘you do realise you’re never going to be a traditional leading man don’t you?’ To which I say, don’t I make a change from all the pretty boys and anyway my mum likes me so there! And we all sit there in silence.

I think they wanted more “If I don’t act I would have to eat my testicles” then “I’m getting so lonely I’m having to talk to myself and I’m talking back”.

No eating jokes or something about my balls?

Neat.

Right. That’s the big thing.

Just
Keep reading the Fitcher Files and maybe leave a comment to show me that Kieran isn’t my only fan.
Brush your hair and always thank strangers for the sweets.

“I would come in now and say something to annoy T but I promised I wouldn’t.”

5 comments:

Big Sal said...

Just in time Janman :p

Jonathan said...

Good to see some postage Janman.

Also good to hear about the uni-thang.

Kojé said...

http://thegentlemanaphorist.blogspot.com/
Did you write that?

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

...That's just wrong.

Big Sal said...

That's weird - it's like some sort of messed up clone of Jancis' old blog :S

Oh, you've been shameblogged btw Janman :(