Friday, July 23, 2010

How Midsomer Norton Apologized For Swearing OR Jancis Goes to Les Miserables

On QN, we always tell an intresting story to warm up. My stories have been things such as the time my kiss made a girl faint .
This is how I got an apology from a village.
So my mum, sister and I are heading to Bristol to see the touring ‘Les Miserables’ show. I’m in the back as my sister can supposedly navigate (She only screwed up like...four times. But we were going to eat her if we got stuck in the woods so it all works out). Anyway, we drive through the village of Midsomer Norton when I noticed a sign advertising the country music festival. But they were trying to be cool and...well they didn’t spell country like that.
And because I’m a big posh actor with plums in my mouth this popped into my head
So I tweet: Oh Christ, Midsomer Norton! I don't care if you're trying to be "street" for your music festival, NEVER try to spell country like that!

And as we pull into Bristol’s carpark when I receive a reply from a man in that village. (He must have alerts on his village...whoop?)
Oh dear... dare I ask how we spelling it? (Can't find anything on google)
Something not on Google?!
So I reply from the pub. (Best place to do such things).
Without the O. It reminds me of Hamlet and speaking of country matters while lying in laps.
And as I leave the theatre I get this:
Well, on behalf of all Midsomer Norton residents I apologise. Although it will look funnily rude on the posters....
Isn’t that something? I, Thomas Jancis, have been given an entire village's respect. Too bad so many people get killed there in such strange ways. Oh well, danger of the Midsomers I guess. It's why I never eat damson jam. Too many dead vicars.
And who knew it was funnily rude? That’s a term! "Look, your daughter isn't really a cumdumpster. I'm funnily rude!"
No complaint or offence taken. I shall take joy that the village offers it. Just hope you are not assaulted by spoilsports.
I need to apologise, because when it comes to spelling I get really annoyed by bad spelling :-)
Ah, it wasn’t the spelling that got me.
I was more worried about the people who will go expecting a whoreshow. I really do worry for them. I mean, I’m sure the show will be good times for all but sometimes you just want something else completely. Or maybe it will be a nice mixture of both. You get worked up by some real intense bluegrass and then Ping-Pong Patrice comes on.

Now onwards to some funnyish remarks on the reason for the trip.

  1. Best Unintentionally Amusing Moment
    So Valjean is shunned by the public for his past. A kindly priest takes him in and gives him food and a place to sleep. Valjean pays him back by robbing him but is soon caught. How? He does this!
    Let me explain for those who might not have got that. Valjean is not narrating. He is screaming at the top of his voice as he runs down the street.
    Okay, that maybe a lie. But no other time does the character narrate like that. If they sing, they’re speaking. Or screaming. So he is just sprinting down the street going: I JUST ROBBED THE PRRRRRIEST!!!!!1!11! Thus I award Valjean the highly converted ‘Worst Thief Ever’ Award.
    Run up has to be this moment which is a perfect example of “I CAN SHOUT LOUDER THAN YOU! LA LA LA! I’M NOT LISTENING!” (There are many more amusing moments in this play. Please list them if you like.)
  2. Best Extra Adlib

  3. So Fantine is being called a whore (I’ve said whore a lot in this post, haven’t I?). The crowd clamours for him to be fired.
    And over the hubbub, one very camp young man cried with utter repulsion ‘IT’S DISGUSTING!!!!’.
    He is my new favourite extra.
  4. Best Actor Adlib

  5. So Marius wants Eponine to find out where Cosette lives.
    She said she would and I think Gareth Gates was late on his cue because he kinda of squeaked ‘THANKS!’ and legged it!
    A lovely example of 18th centaury KTHXBAI!!!
    Marius. What a charmer!

  6. Best Timing

  7. Eponine. Dead. ‘A Little Fall of Rain’! As the theatre is quiet, all we can hear is the pouring of the rain that has only now hit the theatre. We were all looking around going ‘That’s really good timing.’
    Except for the massive man who seemed to look for the strange sound for about eight minutes. This guy really didn’t want to be there and so wiggled and shuffled for most of the show. Blocked everyone's view and kept having to get out his drink. KEEP IT OUT IF YOU NEED IT SO MUCH!
    You don’t have to be there you know?
    If there is one thing more annoying than people who can’t respect the fact there are others around them it’s:
  8. Worst Timing

  9. As an actor I can safely say one thing. Switch. Your. Goddamn. Motherloving. Phone. OFF! I will hurt you. I will wait until you have a baby and I will take that baby and I will train it in evil then make it steal your kidneys. Don’t think I won’t. I wear goggles for fun!
    I didn’t want to see Gareth Gates stumble just as he started ‘Empty Chairs at Empty Tables’. Well done kid, just blew that moment of tension.
    Hope it was worth it. It’s not like you were told to switch it off!
    At least it’s not just me who gets annoyed.

  10. Other
  • Eponine still has a bitching hat.

    I want it
  • Poor ol' Enjolras fell into a wheelbarrow when he died. Which, hell he's still wrapped in the flag but he kinda of tosses his flag away, falls over and lands in a wheelbarrow. Made it easier to wheel him off!

So that's that. I have the love of a small village (No. Not just one man. The WHOLE place. I feel the love and will make them my followers).
Comments below.


Anonymous said...

How're these?

Anonymous said...

Non? Not satisfactory enough? =(

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

V. cool.
Just need to think of a time and place when I can wear a woman's hat.

Anonymous said...

July 23rd! July the MOTHER-SLAPPIN' TWENTY-THIRD! It's now 10/10/10. Grrmbl

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

I'll write a new blog.

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...

Also, I feel me Twitter serves as a microblog of sorts.

Anonymous said...

Five days and still no delivery. I demand a spiritual refund for my subscription.

The artist currently/forthwith known as DJ TJ said...


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